The Dynamics of Chaos

Blancs in Citae

2010-03-03T23:03:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we went to a small village called Citae outside of Jacmel.

The journey there was an adventure in and of itself there really aren’t any roads by American standards, more like paths wide enough for a car to get through. We drove through 3 rivers to get there, passing huts filled with women washing clothes, livestock, donkeys trudging through the rubble dumped along the way from Jacmel buildings.

We arrived mid morning and uploaded the truck. Barton Brooks of Guerilla Aid is building a school in the town, and we set about building water filtration systems. It sits up on a mountain, right by the water, and the view is absolutely breathtaking.

We rolled up into the village in the truck a bunch of white people sticking out like a sore thumb in the tiny village. Citae is a village of about 200, and is a pretty isolated place. Barton decided to build a school there because it was one place that hadn’t been touched by any of the major relief efforts. The damage sustained from the earthquake was significant, but you could tell that they didn’t have much to begin with.

Little girl holding onto her cardboard frisbee for dear life.

The Haitian women had set up a small table near where we were working and cooked most of the afternoon, in hopes that we would buy something. The kids ran around and played, making kites out of plastic bags and frisbees out of cardboard.

Boys playing with their kite.

The teenagers and adults were incredibly helpful. They watched us carefully and the ones that weren’t busy working on the school carried things for us and were incredibly friendly and grateful. They were chatty, and many seemed to speak at least a few words of English. We managed to complete the water filtration units for every family in the village, which was a cool feeling. Clean water is obviously an issue, so giving them the power to make their drinking water safe is very much a life saving thing.

There was an old man with a sewing machine that worked diligently the whole time we were there. Clothes were strewn in the trees behind him to dry. He told one of our team members that his father had carried the sewing machine on his head from Santiago 34 years ago, and he’d held on to it ever since. The machine was on an old table that sat outside in front of his shack, and you could see the pride in his face when he talked about the machine. The rubble on the left side of the photo is what used to be his house.

We walked through the village before we left, just to take in some of the beauty of the place. We were greeted with smiles and waves and a lot of bonjous mostly thanks to Barton’s team who had broken the ice with the people who lived there. I heard the kids giggling and saying “blanc! blanc!” (“White! White!”) and it made me laugh.

It was incredible to get away from the city and see how beautiful the people and the country really are, and to be able to hopefully have some impact on the lives of people we will probably never see again is something that we can’t take lightly.

More on Sisters of Charity

2010-03-03T18:09:00.001-06:00

Yesterday morning was spent at the Sisters of Charity orphanage in Jacmel, Haiti. I was told going in that they follow the “Mother Teresa” model – in other words, they only take the poorest of the poor and the sickest of the sick. We were going specifically to hold babies.

The babies we were visiting were supposed to be between up to two years old, but it’s really impossible to tell how old they are. They’re so malnourished that the two year olds look as if they could be 9 months. We had to judge based on their teeth and their eyes – really, we guessed.

One little girl laying on her back in the crib looked older to me – she had a full set of teeth and her feet were much larger. We guessed her around two and a half. I started wondering if she could walk so I picked her up and put her on the ground. She toddled around hesitantly – clearly not used to the freedom.

I took her hand and walked her to the door, ready to take her into the courtyard. She stopped at the door and just stared out. The contrast to the children I’m familiar with was amazing – the reckless abandon of a toddler learning to walk was nowhere to be found in this little girl.

I brought her outside into the sunlight and let go of her hand. She just stood. She didn’t cry or laugh or smile or anything at all. She just stood in the sun. I wanted her to run toward me or try to escape or get me to chase her.

Nothing.

The Sisters that run the orphanage are clearly good women. They did their job well – they kept the place pretty clean, and I think the kids were fed enough. They clearly made most of the clothes – most of the babies wore matching checked shirts, all sewn from the same fabric.

I tried for a minute to put myself in their position. They clearly didn’t have the resources or the knowledge to give extensive medical treatment. They treated for Scabies and did what they could. Babies still die all the time. There aren’t enough of them to give the babies the attention they need. The babies are mostly two to a crib, and like the little girl, there is little attention paid to anything but keeping them alive. After all, what else can you do? When you’re charged with keeping that many children alive, how can you really do anything else?

The answer is that you really can’t. Especially after a disaster like this, you just have to go on autopilot and do what you can. My heart goes out to the Sisters who live with this day in and out.

Tuesday morning in Jacmel.

2010-03-02T09:12:00.000-06:00

As I said a couple hours ago, we headed to Sisters of Charity – a Catholic orphanage in Jacmel. The babies there, predictably, broke my heart. There were children that had to be at least 2 and a half years old… who don’t really walk. Babies that are two, that look like 9 months old. They’re malnourished. They have scabies. The skin hangs off their legs. We weren’t allowed to take pictures – on some levels, I’m grateful.

We fed them oatmeal. I was feeding one little boy, and got sidetracked for just a second and stepped away. When I came back, he was crying – but not making a sound. I had heard about the silent tears that orphans learn to cry – they just understand that it isn’t going to do any good because no one will hear them. So when they cry, they don’t make any noise at all. It was heartbreaking.

I had a little girl strapped to my chest, one little boy on my hip, and another little boy holding my hand. The two little boys couldn’t make eye contact. They had amazing eyes, framed in dark lashes and they were just stunning. Some were more detached than others. Most of them have no chance, and that’s impossible to comprehend for me. Gwenn goes to visit at least once a week, so for at least that time, those kids can connect. She explained that she’s grateful that they cry when we leave, because it means that they are learning to form attachments to people.

A girl peeking out from between the gates at the hospital.

When we left, we walked outside and saw the hospital directly across the street. There were lines of people under stretched out tarps, children peeking out between the railings. Crumbling concrete everywhere.

The line at the hospital this morning.

I’m off to Citae now to hand out water filtration systems. I’ll post more photos as I can.

The first night in Jacmel

2010-03-02T06:51:00.001-06:00

It was not quiet.

We went to bed early. I feel asleep quickly – it was a long day and we started at 4:30am, it was like 10pm when I crashed. After a cold shower that smelled like Haiti, I went to sleep under my mosquito net on the bottom bunk. Just after midnight or so I woke up, and one of my team mates said “Are you awake? I think the power is off.” And it was. The city power is running about 12 hours a day here, and the house is on generator the rest of the time. We went and woke up the director and sent him downstairs to talk to the guard about getting the generator turned on… being without power makes you a little more vulnerable to intruders. Plus, it’s hot under those mosquito nets without the fans.

The generator turned back on, but it was so loud. You can hear everything in the street, and let me tell you, their streets are not like American cities. There were dogs howling, roosters crowing, people yelling. The Mangine’s refer to Haitians at the “Italians of the Caribbean”, just because they are INCREDIBLY animated and loud. And beautiful.

It took me forever to fall asleep, but I eventually did. Then sometime around 4am I think, there was a woman with a megaphone, chanting and yelling something in Creole. I have NO idea what she was saying, but we just laid there and prayed. Voodoo curse? Just crazy? Who knows.

We woke up at 6am. We’re headed out to Sisters of Charity today to hold the babies at the orphanage. Gwenn explained it to us as the Mother Teresa model, where they only take the poorest of the poor. A lot of them are sick, severely malnourished, handicapped. And their situation isn’t likely to change. A lot of them are kept 2 or 3 in a crib, in nothing but a cloth “diaper” the thickness of a bandana. Basically, a poop catcher.

Anyway, I’m trying to prep myself. Praying.

After that, we’re headed over Citae. Barton Brooks of Guerilla Aid has been there building a new school – aside from that, they’ve received very little aid. We’re headed to hand out water filtration systems and teach them how to use them.

Should be quite a day. Will update later.

First impressions. And the boy in the blue shirt.

2010-03-01T19:57:00.003-06:00

I got to Jacmel today. We left Miami early this morning and flew in to Port au Prince. I'm not sure what I expected - but the scene at the airport was crazy. I was told that it wasn't all that different from normal. The gates were completely swamped with people - all of them wanted to help us, so we would tip them.

The red gates of the Port au Prince airport. We pushed our way through the crowd to meet the van that transported us to the small plane we took from Port au Prince to Jacmel.

I'm going to leave out most of the travel logistics because they're boring and blessedly uneventful. We got to Jacmel around lunch time and ate, then left on a walking tour through the city.

I have followed blogs, and seen hundreds of photos. I have watched videos. I've spoken to people on the ground. I knew coming that I couldn't truly be prepared. And I can honestly say that it was what I expected. But it's nothing like seeing it in person. I've been mulling for hours, going back through the 300 or so photos I took, trying to articulate it. I'll do the best I can.

This used to be a 3 story house. That rubble in front is what used to be the bottom floor.

We walked through the "tourist section" - the place where cruise ships would drop people off to shop, eat, etc. The people expected us to be taking pictures. A lot of clean up has been done, but it's still just incredible. At times it was hard for me to tell which things were dilapidated prior to the quake and which things crumbled on January 12th. We moved out of the "tourist" district into the "poor" district, as Nick Mangine described it to me. People were sitting in tents, just trying to figure out how to go on with their lives. They were shoveling debris out of the street. They were sitting there on porches, walking in and out of crumbling buildings. This is becoming their new normal.

Haitian girls pose as we walk through Jacmel.

We eventually made it to what used to be the soccer field - and what is now a tent city. I stepped in and was greeted by kids - some of them half naked, all of them just begging to be noticed. We took some photos with them, and the joy they got from seeing themselves on our camera screen made it worth it. We made our way around the muddy path between the tents, kids clinging to us on all sides. All they wanted way to be noticed. To be touched. One little boy in particular clung to my waist, muttering "bella... bella...".

Me with a bunch of the kids at the refugee camp.

A little boy in a blue sweatshirt completely stole my heart. He held onto my two fingers the entire walk, holding on for dear life. At one point, he lost his grip amidst the swarm of kids and just started crying. It occurred to me that I had no idea where his parents were, or if they were even there. I may very well have been the first kind touch he'd gotten in who knows how long. I grabbed his hand, and he calmed down quickly.

Me with the boy in the blue sweatshirt. He stole my heart.

The brutal part was leaving. By the time I reached the walkway back to the street, I have who knows how many children clinging to my arms and hands and waist and clothes, playing peak-a-boo with the other team members behind my skirt. It was clear that they just wanted to come with us. I couldn't do anything but push them off me and run. A piece of my heart stayed there.

I cried most of the way back to the house after that. I don't know that anything can match what I saw today - but I also know I just touched the tip of the ice berg. Tomorrow I head over to the orphanage to spend time with babies, and then over to Citae - a small town which has received basically no aid. I'll be sure to update as possible.

Beautiful little girls peaking out from their tent in the street.

I'm still not certain what to do with everything I'm seeing. This is the most difficult thing I've ever witnessed.

Expectations

2010-02-28T22:05:00.002-06:00

So I'm in Miami.

It was a fun flight. I'm traveling with close friends. We encountered Apnea Man:

Seriously, I had to double check and see if the sound coming from this guy's nose was actual snoring or a plane malfunction.

And Intimate Couple also joined us. That couple who made out the entire trip. You know those people, and you dislike them as much as I do. Don't lie.

Mr. Bill has come along for the trip as well. And no, I had no idea who he was until I was subjected to a reenactment of the old SNL sketch during the flight. He flew across the plane a few times at inappropriate times, before I kidnapped him and buried him in my carry on.

Our flight for Port au Prince, Haiti leaves in about 8 hours, and I'm in a hotel room waiting. And waiting. I feel like I've been waiting for days to get to Jacmel. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I understand what I'm getting into as well as I possibly can. I have a rough idea of what I'll be doing - tomorrow is the walk through of the city. Tuesday we'll be handing out water filtration devices and going to the refugee camp. At some point we'll be effectively babysitting for a day and taking the kids to the beach so the house parents, Gwenn and Nick Mangine, can have a day off. We'll be going to the orphanage to hold babies, change diapers, and love on kids.

This trip is as much to test the waters for teams in coming months as it is anything else, so we're feeling our way through it. The Port au Prince airport has just reopened. We won't be driving the three hours through the mountains to get to Jacmel like they did prior to the quake - we'll be catching a 15 minute MAF flight and heading in that way.

I've heard that there are tents all around the street. There are people right outside the fence that surrounds the house all the time. My nervousness comes not from getting hurt or getting sick. I know what the risks are. My family has been panicky... I know I'll be okay. I'm concerned about handling the women that want to hand me their children so I can take them back. About having answers for the people who beg me to help them become refugees in the US.

I pray for the right words. I am as ready as I can be, knowing that I can never really be ready. We're not exactly sure what we're going in to - none of us here have been there since January 12th.

I'm off to get some sleep before waking up at 4:30am to catch the plane. I'll update as possible, depending on the internet situation.

Meanwhile, read this.

In spite of myself.

2010-02-25T12:26:00.004-06:00

This Haiti trip came up pretty quickly. And by that I mean I had about two weeks to raise money, get a passport, get my shots, and other little things... and the first week I was involved in an all consuming conference for work. Stress levels were high.

By this week, everything had come together but my passport. I called last week and the first available appointment was Thursday at 9am. The plan was for me to head south on Friday - so... that left a day.

On Thursday morning, I got up early and went to the office to finish up the paperwork before my appointment. After triple checking everything, I get over to Walgreens to get the passport photo, thinking I'd get the picture taken and then head over to the passport office right afterward. So at 8:30am, I go to pay and realize that my wallet - which naturally has my driver's license in it - is back at my office. Because... this is me. I lose stuff. After a small panic, I bribed a cabby to rush me back to the office, wait for me while I get my wallet, and rush me back to the passport office. Just to clarify - this is DC. Getting ANYWHERE in 30 minutes is a feat at that time of morning.

Amazingly enough, I managed to be back in time for my appointment. And was astounded to find that the passport would be ready the SAME DAY. Pretty incredible.

Tomorrow, we will spend the night in Miami before flying in to Port au Prince on Monday morning. From there, we'll hop on a little 18 seat plane and wind up in Jacmel.

As I write this, I am sitting in North Carolina. The money has come in. I've been vaccinated. I've got my paperwork. The bags are packed. I have time to get nervous, but I'm not. I know that this is bigger than me - I'm just along for the ride. And an incredible ride it will be.

I will be updating (hopefully) daily while on the trip. Feel free to follow along or pass the links around. Thanks so much to those of you that helped make this happen. God is good.

Peace amidst the chaos...

2010-01-21T09:07:00.000-06:00

The life I have is not one that I ever expected or anticipated or necessarily wanted. This was not what I ever imagined myself doing. I am young, but I already look back at places I have been, things I have done, and people I have met and know that I couldn't have traded it for anything. I am ridiculously blessed.

I am currently 26 years old. I thought that by now I would be married with babies, living somewhere in North Carolina and playing guitar at church on weekends. Instead, I am mostly alone in Washington, DC, working at a job that I love in a city that I usually hate, in some sort of weird bliss/misery cycle that I have yet to figure out. Probably because I really don't want to figure it out.

I love what I do. I don't understand it. Most days I feel like my job should not exist, but I know without a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be right now. Nothing has ever been this clear to me. For whatever reason, God wants me in Washington, in this job, at this time, which is both thrilling and terrifying. Being where God wants me brings a kind of peace amidst the chaos that is only possible through Him.

DC is an incredibly lonely place. Even though I am around so many people - more than I have ever been around before - I am aware that I am alone. I am also painfully aware that I am growing in ways that I could not have if I had the security of home and the safety net that is my friends.

The opportunity to be by myself is one of those blessings that I don't want. I have been loved. I have been secure. Whenever I needed an escape, prayer, a place to sleep, or a kick in the butt, there have been people ready to pick up the pieces. I am eternally grateful, and amazed at how much they love me, even when I suck. I am even more humbled that it is still only a fraction of how much He loves me.

While I know that nothing has changed regarding the people I count on, and I still frequently hide out on respective couches and cry over kitchen tables, this is the first chance I have had to truly fall on my face. I have been forced to rely on God for things I sometimes don't even know I need. Truthfully, it's that scariest thing I have ever done, and I did it so fast I didn't even process everything. Maybe that was God's way of making sure I didn't run away screaming. It didn't take me too long to figure out what I had gotten myself into. It's odd that at a time when I have more public support, more work-related respect, and more affirmation than I have ever had I would feel the most vulnerable. The truth is that I have never felt more under attack spiritually than I have for the past few months, and it's scary to be away. When it started to hurt, I immediately found myself back where I was 7 years ago, and handling things my way... Which is rarely the best way.

It is hard not to resent my past. I look back at who I was ten years ago and instead of appreciating how far I have come, I loathe the part of me that is still her. It's hard to keep that in perspective.

So my prayer is for peace. For perspective. For strength. That I can appreciate what He has made me to be. That I am able to look at myself and see how far I have come and not how far I have to go.

I know this is a time for growth, and rarely does comfort beget spiritual maturity. So here goes nothing.

Thanks for putting up with me when I'm messy. I love you all.

I Never Write On Here Anymore...

2009-02-13T16:38:00.002-06:00

I write constantly. I really do. However, it seems like I've gotten to a point where I write for everyone else. I've stopped writing for myself. Which, really, is what this is. Sorry, but I just don't care that much who reads it.

My other writing is starting to take off. I'm doing radio shows. I'm working. I'm churching. I'm moving. I'm in weddings. In short, my new Blackberry has been put to very good use the past couple months. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm happy.

Amazing, right? It's funny how I was so busy I couldn't see straight for 5 years while I was getting myself through college, and all I could think about was not being so busy when I got out. I guess the difference is what I'm actually busy with. I'm busy with the RIGHT things this time. I'm spending time with my favorite people. I'm playing my guitar for the first time since I moved to Tennessee. It's good.

I don't miss Nashville - I DO, however, miss my friends. It's weird leaving a period of your life behind so completely. Everything changed at once - my roommates, my house, my job, my location, everything was different. Between August 8th and August 10th every physical part of my life changed. Now that I've adjusted, I'm moving on to yet another chapter - I move again in a couple weeks.

God is good, and my relationship with Him has been solid and constant. It's easy to lose him in the everyday when life swallows you whole. I'm so grateful that my distractions are limited here, that even in the business I somehow manage to regain focus when I need it. I'm grateful for the people I spend my time with, that they're here to keep me on track. That they ask me how I'm doing. That they know what the answer is even when I don't give them the full story.

On that note, I'm off for a much needed night out with friends. It's amazing what can happen over a pizza. :-)

Emotional Barf

2009-01-03T18:03:00.002-06:00

The past couple days have been spent almost entirely in isolation. I have been reading, writing, catching up on rest, praying, and generally contemplating things I don't normally spent a lot of time on. Still is one thing I am not. I am working on that.

I finished The Shack this morning. So much has been written about it - I don't want to review it. The discussion about forgiveness and suffering hit me like a ton of bricks in the midst of a painful week in my life. I forget sometimes that forgiveness is a process. It's not something I can do once. It's something I have to remind myself to do over and over again. Eventually, I won't have to remind myself anymore.

Relationship is not necessary a part of forgiveness. I can let go of the bitterness that accompanies past hurts and not be obligated to allow the offender into my life on a regular basis. Right now, I am not equipped to handle it. Proverbs talks about guarding your heart above all else. Right now, that means keeping a distance from certain people in my life.

Some scars I will have forever - visual, blatant reminders of things I'd rather forget most of the time. I am reminded of them every time I look in a mirror. Some have faded, and will continue to do so. Some I will never see, but always feel. Some are still open wounds that need time to heal. Until I allow them to do so, I'm just pouring salt in them and robbing myself of the fulfillment that comes with forgiving those who've hurt me, with giving them grace. I have not healed. I'm not sure I know how, but I'm confident that it's going to require some changes in my daily relationships. Changes I have no idea how to make.

How do you explain to those who have known you since birth that you need them out of your life - even if it's just for a while? It has nothing to do with love. I have never not loved them. If I'm still responding violently to current circumstances because of past hurts, does it make sense to stay in that place? Until I can show them the love and forgiveness I am trying so hard to find, I'm just reopening these wounds and letting them bleed me dry.

I am trying to keep it in perspective and remind myself that forgiveness is a process. It is not something that will always be received. It is first for me, to remove one more barrier between me and God. If that bitterness is in my heart, it's impossible to give and receive love. It spills over into other areas of my life, poisoning other relationships. It will continue to eat away at me until there is nothing left.

That's where I am. I don't know what else to do right now but pray for the sound mind and strength to get through these conversations and the gentility to do it without destroying people I love and damaging relationships irreparably. The latter has not been my strong suit as of late.

I'm Really Jaded.

2008-12-16T07:47:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I went to Big Lots to pick up a some furniture. Which is never really a good experience... you know what I'm talking about if you've ever been there. First of all, the store is always in a sketchy part of town. You know, like the part of town that I live in. Second, the people that work there don't really want to be there. Who can blame them? I probably wouldn't want to be there either.

So anyway, I decide I need something, and that I can get a good price on it there. I call (using (800) Goog-411, which you should all use - it's free and better than 411) ahead to make sure they have what I need and get transferred around 4 times. I go in there fully expecting to be ignored. Instead, a man named Anderson had set aside my items for me before I got there, carried them to the front, waited while I paid, and then helped me load everything into my car. I don't think I've been treated so well in ANY store in a long time.

It sort of made me sad that this is what I've come to expect. I don't know when I got so jaded. Why don't I always expect the best of people? Why don't I expect politicians to uphold the law instead of break it? I think people live up to the expectations that you set for them in most cases - and when we set those expectations too low, we won't be disappointed. It applies in so many areas of our life. Why don't we expect huge things from ourselves? From God? From the people in our life? I think we'd be surprised by how many expectations are met.

Epic.

2008-11-20T12:13:00.001-06:00

This was so incredible I couldn't NOT post it.

Was Jesus a Socialist?

2008-10-28T08:35:00.004-05:00

So anyone that knows me knows where I stand politically - disagree with me or not, it doesn't really matter. And in the grand scheme of things, God has it under control anyway, and I know that he isn't sitting up there stressing, wringing his hands, wondering how it's going to turn out. He already knows. That said, this is not going to be about which candidate I'm voting for.

I've had some interesting questions raised this week about how Jesus would want us to vote for this candidate or that candidate. For starters, God isn't a democrat or republican. There are views on both ends that contradict what I read in the Bible. However, I read a really interesting argument that has had me rethinking everything: Socialism is Biblical.

From Matthew 25:

35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Clearly, Jesus wants us to take care of each other. We are called, as believers, to give of ourselves, to put each others' needs before our own. The communal life of the early church was inherently socialist, giving one's possessions, selling them off in order to contribute to the Church. However, I believe that there is a distinction between communal life between a group of believers and Socialism on a government level.

This may be politically incorrect, but here goes: The underlying premise of Christianity is NOT equality. It is salvation through Jesus. Period. That is not to say that God has favorites; he loves us all equally. But does that mean he means for us all to be completely equal in THIS world? Clearly he didn't, or we wouldn't have such different strengths and weaknesses, experiences and opportunities.

Let's stay in Matthew 25. Jesus tells two stories about a master who goes away for a long time. Who is this master he’s talking about? He is referring to himself, and we are the servants he has left to take care of business in his absence. We are stewards - he has entrusted us with the world.

This parable contains two important truths: The first is that the source of our wealth comes from God. He’s the one who gives. He’s also the one who takes away. The second is that God will give us not what we think we deserve, but what he knows we can handle.

He gave five bags of silver to one, two bags of silver to another, and one bag of silver to the last—dividing it in proportion to their abilities.

The NIV translation says that the master gave 5 talents to one, 2 talents to another, and 1 talent to the last. But what’s a talent? A talent is equal to 75 pounds of silver. The price of silver today is $9.66 per ounce, which is $154.56 per pound. So, to put this story into today’s terms, understand that the first person received 375 pounds of silver amounting to a total of $57,960. The second person received 150 pounds of silver amounting to a total of $23,184. The third person received 75 pounds of silver amounting to $11,592. Jesus said that the master divided the money in proportion to their abilities.

Now those of us who know the story know what happens. The first two doubled the master’s investment in them, which pleases their master.

Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!

The third servant buried what he had and merely returned what he had been given. He harbored resentment toward his master for giving the others more. Clearly, the unequal distribution chafed him a little. The master, however, doesn't redistribute the wealth. He actually takes away the little that the third servant had and gave it to those who were faithful. Sound like socialism? Actually, it's the exact opposite.

God gives to us according to what we can handle. He knows our hearts and our intentions. He didn’t give all the talents all at once. He started out with a little amount and then, when the servants showed that they were faithful to him with a little, He promised to give them even more responsibilities. Even more will be given to those who use well what they are given.

Use well. What does that mean?

If we keep reading, we’ll see Jesus divide those who remain after he leaves into two groups: the goats and the sheep. The sheep will get to be with him in His kingdom, but the goats will be thrown into the lake of fire.

There is a clear mandate, then, that those who will be sheep — the same ones who the Lord just praised for using well the resources he gave them — are to use those resources wisely. They are to feed the hungry, provide for clothing, visit and comfort the sick and the imprisoned. They are to love their neighbors in the course of their lives. No where in this parable does Jesus tell us to pass off this mandate onto the government. All these things are individual acts of love.

The goats are the ones who are like the servant who buried his money in the ground, full of resentment that he didn’t get a bigger share of the pie. But there may be times that we act more like goats than like sheep. Too many of us just pass on by the tenements and the homeless shelters without even a second thought because we know that the single mom is getting formula for her baby through WIC. We don’t concern ourselves much with getting our hands dirty in helping the poor, the sick, and the imprisoned because we figure there’s plenty of governmental assistance. And when we do this…when we rely on our government to do the mandate that Jesus himself gave us…then doesn’t that make us look suspiciously like goats?

So, there's my two cents. Are you a goat, or are you a sheep? I so want to be a sheep!

Why is it colder INSIDE than OUTSIDE?

2008-10-21T08:05:00.003-05:00

So clearly the temperature has dropped this week - by a lot. Anyone who knows me knows how much I absolutely LOVE the cold... but I'm not gonna lie, I'm still sort of enjoying it. Don't tell anyone. However, it's gotten cold enough that Sunday night we decided to cut the heat on for the first time.

The roomie turned up the thermostat, and we all went to bed. The next morning, it's roughly 36 degrees in my bedroom. I lay there for 40 minutes, beneath 4 blankets with my dog curled up next to me, absolutely dreading the inevitable. There would be no showering. I pulled on two shirts, a winter coat, jeans, and shoes before even making it out to the kitchen. My roommates were similarly dressed, huddling over the oven. All we needed was a trash can fire and we might have looked like we belonged in our neighborhood...

Clearly, our heat wasn't working. And of course, you never figure that out until you actually NEED the heat. After railing for an entire day aginst the landlord, I get home to find my roommate in the living room, wearing a hat, sweater, and several blankets. She says the landlord came over and explained why the heat wasn't working...

We didn't turn on the gas. Naturally, our heat is gas. After trying hard not to laugh at us, he explained that we needed to call and have them turn it on. Thanks.

Meanwhile, we have to wait at least 48 hours for them to come hook us up. Here's to space heaters and lots of blankets...

George Soros: Owner, Democratic Party.

2008-10-07T10:13:00.003-05:00

So, like almost everyone else in America, this bailout makes me want to vomit. SNL finally got one right... this is brilliant. I would embed it, but it gets yanked from youtube and hulu within minutes every time it's posted.

Banned SNL Bailout Sketch

My favorite moments are at the end.

Life in the Barrio

2008-09-23T18:38:00.003-05:00

So most of you know that basically, we moved to the mexican ghetto (aka the barrio). I absolutely love it here. A couple posts back I mentioned the neighborhood ministry we've started here, and I just wanted to give a quick update.

Things have been going well. Obviously, there are some kids we are getting to know better than others. Today might have been the coolest day yet. I got home from work to find 4 kids playing in our front yard. So I talked to them for a minute, and then asked if they wanted to help me make rice krispy treats. Clearly, that was a hit. The next thing I know, we've got 8 kids in the house eating rice krispy treats and begging us to go play in the yard with them. Liz and I took them outside and played games - soon we had 12 kids in our back yard.

After the mosquitoes started to attack, we came inside for sweet tea and I popped in a movie to chill them out a little. Like I said, there were 12 kids, ranging in age from 6 to 13. They were all just thrilled that they got to come over and hang out - it's so cool to have the opportunity to build solid relationships with them. I'm so excited that they LIKE us! It's amazing how well kids respond when you spend time with them.

Anyway, if you could pray about that it would be greatly appreciated. For guidance for us, for the kids, and for our relationships with their families, so this can continue.

Trees... trees... TELEPHONE POLE.... trees... trees...

2008-09-15T10:32:00.010-05:00

This weekend I decided that it would be fun to take some of my favorite kids camping at the beach. Harmless enough, right? I knew it would be chaotic, but figured I could handle it and we left Friday after work. We got there late and set up the tent, grilled some hot dogs, walked around the beach - it was pretty laid back and all was going well.

12:30am. The kids decide to go to bed, the boys in their tent and the girls and I outside on a tarp with our blankets.

1am. A SUV rolls up full of people - 3 guys and 3 girls, roughly my age. They're loud. Really loud. Country music blaring from the car, starting fires, and generally being obnoxious. I gave it half an hour before I about lost it.

1:30am. I go over to them and ask them to turn down the music. I get a non-commital "What? Oh sure." I go back and lay down again.

1:45am. Pretty sure it's getting ridiculous. I decide to go find one of the cops patrolling the beach. When that failed, I called the non-emergency Carolina Beach Police line. They said they'd send someone out. We go back to our site and lay down, waiting for them to get there.

2am. Random guy from SUV approaches. Drops his pants. Our conversation went something like this:

Guy with his butt hanging out: Where's my bon fire? I seem to have lost my bon fire. Can you tell me where my bon fire is?
Me: You really need to leave.
Guy With His Butt Hanging Out: I can't find my bon fire.
Me: These girls are 13 years old. You really need to get out of here.
Guy With His Butt Hanging Out: (voice cracking) Really?!
Me: Yeah. Go.

Meanwhile, Girl In Bikini is kneeling beside the boys tent taking picture of the whole thing. Because you ALWAYS want to document your flashings. Duh.

The slight panic in his voice was definitely classic.

I grab the girls and we walk down the beach a little, not wanting to hang out by random half naked guy.

2:05am. Cops arrive. Complete overkill, two huge vehicles, one of which is a ridiculous humvee. Blue lights flash all the way down the beach. The kids and I wait in the truck and watch them bust the drunkies... one girl burns her foot on a hot coal, general ridiculousness ensues. The verdict? Can't put them on the road and make them leave, so they drive them down to the other end of the beach away from us and all was well with the world.

A night in the life... you wish you were me. Don't lie. ;-)

PS - if you're confused about the title... don't be, it shouldn't make any sense to you.

Out of My Element...

2008-09-11T08:08:00.005-05:00

So let's talk about the real world vs. the music industry. Because seriously, I am so out of my element here. I'm adjusting. Slowly. But anyone who knows what the music industry is like can understand this... in my office, I could pretty much wear whatever I wanted. There was no dress code. If they'd ever asked me to wear pantyhose, I probably would have laughed. My dog came to work with me. We broke out wine for meetings at 2pm and served it in coffee cups. Dog walking breaks were totally normal, as were random popsicle and smoothie field trips. And that's pretty standard fare on Music Row.

This month, I'm temping at a medical firm in RTP. Which is great, don't get me wrong. I really like it here. But this whole 9-5:30, pantyhose-requiring, grown up office is taking some getting used to. The scary thing is, I'm sort of enjoying it. I always thought I'd hate the corporate world. The idea of a real job always irritated me... but oddly enough, the routine is nice. I've never had one of those before. I'm enjoying the relative stability. For now, I need it. That will probably change - I'll get restless and want to do something more challenging and more exciting, and I will, I have no doubts. But having the time and money to go to the beach and go camping is pretty sweet, I'm not gonna lie.

I don't think it's sunk yet in that I'm not a college student anymore.

I Want To Do It All.

2008-09-04T21:54:00.003-05:00

So yeah, now I've got my degree. It's great. Sure. I don't have a job.

Suddenly I'm obsessed with the medical field. I don't know why. I just filled out the FAFSA so I can go take some more classes. Granted I'll hold off til next fall, but I want to do this. And the english thing, too...

Why is school so addictive? I love learning. I hate the structure of classes. I think now that the pressure's off, I have the piece of paper, I can explore and learn what I WANT to learn. I can take whatever classes I want to. And it's so exciting for me. I feel like a kid - I wanna be a DOCTOR when I grow up! I wanna be a TEACHER! I wanna be a PIRATE!

Seriously, I feel like I should have gone through this phase already. I think at this point I'm going to get me a job and just take some more classes when I can... I'm so excited to see what doors open up!

Jesus rocks my world.

2008-09-04T21:22:00.004-05:00

So today was probably the coolest day I've had in a long time. First, I finally caved and went down to the Carolina Ale House to apply for a job. That's the one stipulation I had for moving back here - I was not going to work in a restaurant. But I started to panic about money and went back to what I knew. So as I'm standing in the parking lot I get a call - the temp agency had a great paying month long job for me. Yay God.

Since we moved in, the roomies and I have felt lead to do some sort of children's ministry in our neighborhood. Yes, we live in the hood. There are about a million little Hispanic kids that run through our yard every day. Yesterday, they show up on our doorstep - selling school fundraiser type stuff. Basically God did the work FOR us... today they came back, just wanting to hang out. We took the dog for a walk, went to the park, gave them some cookies, watched a movie... they were absolutely adorable, and I know we're all way excited about them.

The next step will be to throw some sort of neighborhood event - a block party, something - for all of them. I'll most likely bust out the clown stuff, twist some balloons, paint some faces... it's going to be a good time. Let me know if you want in.

I love my life.

$100k later...

2008-08-27T17:29:00.002-05:00

So I registered with a temp agency to get me by while I look for a more permanent job. I got my first position today with the Apple Gold corporate office - basically corporate Applebees. It's a 2 day position ROLLING TEE-SHIRTS. I rolled 720 tee shirts up and boxed them to send off to stores. To top it off, they said "Riblets for President". What kind of marketing genius thought that this was a viable marketing campaign for Applebees? I mean, honestly, the term "riblet" already marginalizes your credibility. Then you promote them as a presidential candidate? Totally unnecessary.

Please tell me I'll get a big girl job soon. Okay great.

I hate the north.

2008-08-24T23:37:00.002-05:00

Okay so obviously northern roads are exposed to more weather than southern roads and require more maintenance... but like, really, there is no excuse for the PA Turnpike. Worst. Road. Ever. And people PAY to drive on it! I spent $8 to bump and wind my way through PA with nowhere to stop and pee. I'm just saying. They should remedy that situation. I'm never going back.

Okay that's a lie. Mariah had Caedan Saturday night so I guess I'll go back and meet him... ;-)

So Far...

2008-08-14T17:47:00.004-05:00

So right now I'm jobless and sort of homeless. All of my stuff is on Renee's porch. I am sort of looking for a job... but I'm not gonna lie, it's a half hearted search. I'm tired. I'm enjoying my "family" and friends here... it's good to be back. It feels so good to finally celebrate and enjoy life. A friend on Monday asked me what I was going to do that day - and I didn't have an answer. It was an awesome feeling.

Things I've done here so far:
- gone to Cookout three times. In 4 days.
- stayed up until 4am to watch a meteor shower.
- watched Aladdin for the first time in like 10 years
- slept until noon.
- gotten pulled over for speeding... which I totally talked my way out of by pretending I was "new to the area"... yay for Tennessee tags.
- called everyone I know.
- bought a stupid number of DVDs at Blockbuster - they were on sale and I HAVE TIME TO WATCH THEM NOW.
- baked a birthday cake for Lisa with Max and Cana. Lots of sprinkles were involved.
- stole Renee's keys and left her locked out of her house.
- not turned on my mac.
- checked out my NEW HOUSE in the ghetto. I <3 it.
- hung out with my fabulous new roommate and her crazy mother. We're going to have way too much fun.

I miss you Nashville kids, though. I'm not gonna lie. I feel like both of my lives need to converge. That would be great. Nashville + Raleigh = my version of heaven. :-)

Car Jack Design Fail.

2008-08-07T14:36:00.004-05:00

So the other day I had lunch with two lovely ladies. Rather uneventful. So we go back to our cars, I'm opening my door with Jess rolls by on a flat tire. Quickly realizing that it's flat, she pulls over right in front of my car on the side of the street. So, clearly, we were all dressed to change a tire. I'm obviously the man in most of my friendships, so naturally, I ask Jess if she has a spare.

"I don't think so." I told her she was wrong and pulled it out of her trunk. So I get down on the ground and start trying to jack up the car to remove the tire. PS, the car jack was the dumbest design in the whole world, and didn't let me just crank it up.

I won't even attempt to describe how it worked, but it involved a hook and a hole and it was stupid. So I finally get it up high enough. We're in business.

Just as I was about to pop the lug nuts off, Sweaty Guy in Hat walked by and offers to help. I was like great, okay, thanks. So starts the process, and no joke, there was sweat dripping onto the pavement as he worked. Did I mention that it was like, 4087 degrees out there? Because it was.

So he gets the lug nuts off and give the wheel a tug to get it off the car. Clearly it wasn't that easy. He obviously had other places to be and took off. We could not for the life of us figure out how to get the wheel off the car. So Jessica calls her brother and asks him if we're doing something wrong. He told me to kick it. So I did. Then when that failed, I leaned down and yanked, and it came off - while I flew backwards onto my butt. It was a stellar moment.

The rest of the process came rather easily. The best part was showing up at the office. I was like, um lemme go wash my hands. Thom informed me that I needed a shower... apparently I was covered in grease all the way to my shoulder. It was awesome.

DONE.

2008-08-04T10:07:00.002-05:00

I'm done. DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE. My assignments are all in, the tests are all taken. I have a lot of sleep to catch up on. But it's done.

I don't really know what to do with myself. There's no impending doom. Life is good. :-)

PS, check back later, amazing story to tell...

Nerd Alert: I Want To Believe.

2008-07-25T14:16:00.005-05:00

Okay so clearly I've been stoked about the X Files premiere for ages. I understand that this comes with a label, and this review will probably be an embarrassing reveal of how incredibly nerdy I really am. Oh well. Ain't no shame in it.

If you are planning on seeing the movie and don't want to know anything don't read this because basically, I'm going to spoil it for you. Because I have no filter and though I may try, I'd ruin something. There's the disclaimer.

First and foremost, I have to say that Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny still rock my world. The acting was perfect, and I love the direction that they took the characters. Even if it was more overt than normal, the relationship was still stellar. Scully was a beast in this movie. It was sweet.

As I told several of you, I was slightly disappointed at first. I didn't really grasp why they'd left out the stuff that made the series so cool, like, um, aliens and conspiracies. The more I think about it, the more I'm appreciating it. Was it as good as it could have been? No. But I think at the core of the show is the search for truth, and they hold true to that search. It's just taken on a different form.

The show has always brought Scully's Catholic faith - and lack of faith - into the plot lines. A pedophile priest named Father Joe claims to have visions that can help the FBI find a missing agent. Scully, who now works as a surgeon at a Catholic children's hospital, is pretty clear that she's not interested in what he has to say. She sees him praying for salvation and practically rolls her eyes. The following exchange goes like this:

Scully: Do you think God hears your prayers?
Father Joe: Do you think He hears yours?
Scully: I didn't bugger 37 alter boys.

Burn. She's "done chasing monsters in the dark", which ultimately brings her to leave Mulder at the unibomber style abode he (they? I wasn't clear on this...) is living in. But not before they make out a little.

Bottom line, I'm for sure going to see it again. It's sooo not as bad as the reviews it's getting. I just hope that a) there's another one and b) it has some aliens and conspiracies in it. :-)

The Dark Knight rocked my world.

2008-07-24T14:06:00.003-05:00

Okay so everyone has heard that the new Batman movie was unbelievable. So I'm going to skip that part. Basically, your life is incomplete if you don't see this movie. Bottom line.

What was I NOT a fan of? The INSANE old lady sitting next to me. My friends and I walk into the theater. Of course, there are 6 sold out showings of this movie at Green Hills - it's absolute chaos. We stroll in like 10 minutes before it's supposed to start and clearly, there are not 4 seats available. So we split up. This lady from the back hollers at us and points to a couple seats, so T and I head to the back. Our first sign to run should have been the look of relief on the face of the guy sitting next to us. He was entirely too grateful to have two people between him and Bertha. (Note: Bertha wasn't her real name. At least I don't think it was. That would be unfortunate. It seems appropriate for my purposes though.)

So Bertha rambles on about the movie. I mention that I'm tired. Being as it's after midnight and I have already been awake for 18 hours and worked and went to school all day. She goes "SUCK IT UP! It's BATMAN!" I was like, great okay. Then she notices that the sound is off. Obviously, it was supposed to be, as they were walking through, checking tickets, etc... the previews haven't even started. But she was upset. So, naturally, she takes her shoes off and wanders around for someone to inform.

She comes back. She overhears me telling a story to T about someone who told me to shut up. I hear "Yeah, GREAT IDEA." At this point I'm pretty sure I dug my nails into his arm and told him I was going to take the old lady out. Unsatisfied with the theater's response for her request for volume, Barefoot Bertha started wandering around again. I made T switch places with me while she was up. So naturally, when she returns, she starts talking to him instead.

I overhear something about him keeping me quiet. Bertha's plan for silencing me was to tell T to kiss me so I couldn't talk. I believe there was a lecture about keeping the phones in pockets so she wouldn't have to deal with the glow. Some cussing people out around us to shut up. The movie finally starts, and apparently wasn't good enough for her to stay through to the end - she rolled out about 3/4 way through.

Incredible. If I run into a Bertha tonight at the X Files premiere, roomie's gonna have to hold me back, because I might cry if I get kicked out.

Johnny and June

2008-07-24T13:58:00.002-05:00

This may be one of my favorite songs. I adore Heidi Newfield. I was slightly disappointed in the video though. She's like, yeah I'm hot, imma just be pretty.

Oh well. I'm still a fan, Heidi.

I'm Really Boring.

2008-07-22T20:49:00.004-05:00

No, for real though. The reason I haven't blogged is because I'm pretty sure that nothing funny has happened to me lately. I don't do anything anymore. I go to school. I go home. I write papers. I cook for my roommate. I watch X-Files. I go get the occasional popsicle. But really, do you want to read about that?

I mean, I'm not gonna lie, Las Paletas popsicles are sooo blogworthy. One of my friends and I had one last week, and she told me she had dreams about it. They're that good. But... I'll spare you that.

I've knocked out two of the four summer classes. Finance: complete. Management Communications: complete as of like, 7 minutes ago. That's a lie. I'm in class blogging. But let me just say, we rocked that paper. Some of the finest 22 pages I've turned in. Okay not really. It was severely boring. But it's A work, fo sho.

T-17 days to graduation. Holy crap. I have no idea where time went. It blows my mind. I'm pumped though. Bring it on.

Wanna hear something sadistic? I'm going to get a second degree. I haven't talked myself into a masters yet, but I have decided that at least I want an english degree in addition to my BBA. And NC State is CHEAP. Like, we're talking 25% of what Belmont's costing me.

So, that's about it folks. I'm lame. I go to school and work and eat popsicles. Oh, and drive a lot. The Nissan's going in this week for an oil change. Which explains why I spent $600 last month on gas. Good grief.

Holla.

Oh man.

2008-07-14T13:38:00.003-05:00

:-)

Conversations with mom...

2008-07-11T21:48:00.002-05:00

100% casual tone:

Me: What are you doing today?

Mom: Looking at my website. What are you doin'?

Me: I just got a popsicle.

Mom: I just got a divorce.

Apparently it's finally official.

Zeb - as in Zebulon.

2008-07-07T09:06:00.000-05:00

So I went to a wedding this weekend in Nashville, NC. Ironic, I know. So the night begins with a torrential storm. Sideways rain. Leaves and sticks blowing across the highway. Suzanne's car blowing across the highway, etc.

This was supposed to be an outdoor wedding, mind you. But aside from a flock of geese landing during the lighting of the unity candle, it went off well. Amazingly, the rain held out until 5 minutes after the ceremony, and we were all indoors for the reception. So we do the dances and eat the food, eat some cake.

Then it's time for the bouquet toss. A group of about 8 of us get up front and Ashley tosses the bouquet. All the bridesmaids stand still. Apparently the plan was that all the bridesmaids were going to step back and let Becca get it. Well, Becca didn't go for it either. So... I did... and got it. Then it's time for the garter toss.

The most awkward guy up there is a shaggy blonde guy named Zeb. So Zeb, of course, catches the garter. Suzanne goes "You know, I've been to some weddings where the guys that catches the garter has to put it on the girl that catches the bouquet..."

Before I could say that I was glad that wasn't happening, the DJ calls my name into the mic. Zeb and I head up to the dance floor and I get seated in the chair so Zeb can put the garter on me. It may have been one of the most awkward moments ever. I'm sitting in the chair in front of all these people - keep in mind I know like, 3 people in the room - and Zeb kneels in front of me and slides the garter up over my knee. Good thing I shaved, or it could have been even more awkward.

We exchanged an embarrassed introduction and side hug... then called it a night.

Awesome.

A 27 Dresses moment...

2008-07-01T19:26:00.004-05:00

Dress shopping. Everyone in my world is getting married. Therefore, I shop for dresses. Some snapshots from the Roadcap/Dorn wedding bridesmaid outing...

"Adjusting" - they definitely didn't have my size in that style... Maybe if I pull it up and in?

I liked this style. Not in black, obviously. Oh that one on the rack is the right color, let's try that one...

Oh they don't have my size. Of course. Why would they? That would be convenient. That's fine. I clearly was not excited about changing anyway...

Okay let's get a close up... do I REALLY like this color? Alyssa, take a picture of us .

Yay we're done for the day...

Decisions made: 0

Alas, we still have a year, love. ;-)

So I have a new car...

2008-06-30T09:09:00.004-05:00

It's not nearly as cute as the bug. But it's a lot more practical. I finally made a grown up purchase. Whatever. I hate this adult stuff.

Its a black Nissan. And I have been calling it my government official car. Maybe if I put some blue lights on top people wouldn't hit me anymore? That'd be great.

... but really though, every time I get in it I feel like I should have a suit on. And be on my cell phone in pursuit of something dangerous and X Files worthy. Oh man. Can we tell I'm trying to re-watch the ENTIRE SERIES before the movie comes out next month? Pretty sure my roommates hate me.

This is what it looks like:

I chose this picture just because it's in front of the Acura sign and that made me giggle. Because it's not an Acura. It's a Nissan. Get it?!

Finance is almost done. And I'm coming home Wednesday. And I get to see my favorite person in the whole world. :-) Plus a few other people who are pretty cool... I'm gonna go get this homework done so I can spend my night watching some more X Files.

Mmm.... trash.

2008-06-24T09:20:00.002-05:00

So today is my last day in the rental car. I was cleaning it out this morning, and let me tell you, it's amazing how much crap you can accumulate in a month. Especially if you take 3 out of state trips in that said month. But I digress.

Anyway, so I grab an armload of trash out of the car and walk to the dumpster, which is right behind my car. I heave all the junk forward, and almost all of it hits the ground. About the only thing that made it IN to the dumpster were my keys, which I'd slung around my pinky finger. Awesome.

They sat there between two bags of trash, taunting me. I stood for a second to devise a plan, cursing my lack of height, and figure climbing onto the ledge and leaning forward would be the easiest. Let me tell you, dumpsters are not easily scaled. After that plan failed miserably, I looked at my car and realized I had a stack of text books. So I stack them up and stand on them, giving me the extra boost I needed to reach my keys. I lean forward and the books slide out from under me, and I lunge forward, winding up to my elbows in trash.

Yes, I had the presence of mind to snag the keys before I ran away and dry heaved. So I'm going to bathe in bleach now.

Reminders.

2008-06-22T10:50:00.002-05:00

The memory is an amazing thing. Somehow, with as much as we put into our brains, as many things as we encounter and process every day, every second of our lives, we are able to clearly recall events, experiences, and people forever. Everyone has moments that they will never forget. Sometimes all it takes is a small reminder. A name, a smell, an emotion, or picture can send you right back to a place or moment. Sometimes, that moment is that last place that you'd ever choose to be. But once something sends you back to that place, it is impossible to ignore. I can't even begin to pretend that I've got this all figured out. What happens when you're back in that place? Where do I go from here? I don't know.

I do know that it hurts, and that these are the moments I would normally choose to run away. I'm getting better about that. Escaping is nothing more than a temporary fix - and it usually hurts worse on the back end. Delaying the healing process comes with it's own set of problems. I don't know what God's got lined up for me, but it's becoming more and more clear that Tennessee isn't in the plan right now, and now that I know that, I want to be done with this chapter. This summer is proving to be agonizing. I think that all He asks is that we do the best we can to hear Him. The listening thing is definitely something I have to work on. I'd rather sit there and discuss things and think and read and come up with ideas than just sit and hear what He's got to say.

So right now, my prayers are for stillness. For quiet, for moments of silence and focus. For direction - clarity. And -ultimately - healing. I know that things will work out. He always sees to that.

Finance Makes Me Want To Die.

2008-06-18T11:50:00.002-05:00

That is all.

I Hate Moving.

2008-06-17T12:02:00.003-05:00

I hate it a whole lot. I don't think I would hate it as much if this was semi-permanent, but knowing I'm going to have to move in 2 months makes this even less fun than usual. I accumulated a lot of junk at the last apartment. (PS I have a completely unnecessary amount of Halloween stuff. This means there will be a sweet Halloween party this year in NC. Just FYI.)

I went into the day with no sleep. Well, that's sort of a lie. I probably slept about an hour at a rest area somewhere in Kentucky. So basically, I was in fine form, and completely on top of my game. However, M's family was incredible and helped me a ton. Another friend came out and helped. It all got done. I even got all my new bedding on my bed and put my lamps together. At around 10pm I was pumped to go to sleep... then we thought we would get the entertainment center put together. We failed. At around midnight we called it quits and I went to sleep. This morning I get up entirely too early to move my car so the POD people can pick it up for Ash... I walk back inside and hear a weird noise in the bathroom. The toilet broke. Water was everywhere.

Meanwhile, roomie's POD was being picked up, her bed was being delivered, and the washer and dryer were being delivered. Basically at the same time. I'm in my pajamas with no make up on at all lookin' HIT, attempting to conquer the entertainment center. Dogface was locked out on the patio so he wouldn't get in the way, making the most horrendous noises you have ever heard in your life. It was a magical moment on Plum Nelly Circle.

So, with the delivery guys gone and the repair guys in the bathroom doing their thing, I manage to defeat the furniture gods and produce a brilliantly assembled entertainment center. Then I go to move it and rip the side of it off, splintering the board and generally destroying my work. There goes the brilliance. They are, however, sending a free replacement board and all will be well in 5-7 business days.

So there you have the first day in the new place. As M and her cousin decided yesterday, first day in and we had beds and a shower, really can't complain. Right?

I'm A Murderer.

2008-06-11T14:47:00.002-05:00

I killed a squirrel today on my way back to the office. Generally they're fast enough to get out of the way. This one was just as fast... just a little dumber as it scurried out directly into my tire.

The only time I've killed another animal was when I was driving home from Alabama over the Nickajack Dam and I hit a muskrat. And true to form, I definitely made a spectacle of it. I didn't just hit it and leave it on the road. Oh no. Apparently it caught on my back tire and got airborne. I looked back through my rear view and see a muskrat spinning through the air behind me. I didn't see any subsequent accidents indicating that it landed on a windshield, so my assumption is that it landed a) on the side of the road where road kill belongs, or b) over the side of the bridge in the water somewhere.

This squirrel, however, is smashed in the alley. And I will be forced to stare at it every day. That's what I get for being a murderer, I suppose.

Recovery.

2008-06-11T12:21:00.005-05:00

I don't think I have ever experienced exhaustion to this degree before. The last couple weeks or so has been the most horribly busy period of my life. And that's saying something if you know me. Here's a quick recap:

Moving. Oh. My. Gosh. And I get to do it again on Monday. I packed Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Stole Tony's SUV and started hauling stuff Wednesday. Thursday moved furniture. Friday Fan Fair began for me. Insanity. Saturday we did the fan fair thing during the day, I took a three hour "break", during which I moved all of my food and dishes and some other misc boxes, and went back downtown at 4 to be at Rachel's Limelight show. It was a long freaking day.

Sunday rolled around. We wrapped up at the convention center at 4. After breaking stuff down and loading it into boxes, we sat and waited for them to let the truck in so we could load up. And waited. For an hour and a half. Pretty sure we all crashed immediately. This picture sums it all up:

Awesome.

So Monday. Back to school. I woke up at some stupid hour of the morning, thinking I'd study. Which... I actually did. I went to class in pajamas, planning on going directly home after I wrapped up at school. Nope. Bossman calls and informs me that we need ink. INK. That I need to go get. So... since I ~~only worked 7 hours last week~~ am an incredible employee, I went and ran to office max, and returned to the office to prepare for the meeting. Then... I busted out the X Files DVDs and made some mac & cheese and sat on the couch for 8 hours and watched Mulder and Scully. Yeah, I've watched pretty much all of season 5 in the past two days. Yesterday I was so tired my body hurt. I called my mom and started crying. I don't know why. I couldn't stop. So I skipped my night class and went to bed at 8:45. It was a beautiful thing.

So now the focus is buying a car. And making Geico give me the rental until I get one. Can I just be done with this and get out of Tennessee?

Notes From A Late Night Tailgate...

2008-06-06T09:03:00.002-05:00

I started writing this Thursday night while I was sitting on the side of the highway at 3am... and then forgot to publish it until now. Oops. Whatever.

Today started off a little rough. I stayed out past my bed time last night and was definitely draggin' a little... 3 hrs just doesn't do it for me anymore. I made it through the day. Denver helped me get the last big furniture piece out of the apartment. Progress was made. I went to both offices. Made it to a friend's birthday dinner. Then... I thought it was a good idea to go to a midnight writer's round at the Hard Rock. So I'm heading home at 2am to begin with. I'm rolling down the highway, and all of a sudden we all stop. All four lanes. I can't see anything, but the fact that people are running down the side of the highway and sitting on the hoods of their cars doesn't bode well for my quick return home.

So I sat. And text messaged. And Facebooked. And started blogging on my phone. And seethed and plotted against the idiot teenagers that were running between the cars banging on people's hoods. Mid blog, I see cars moving. Slowly. 2am had turned into 3am before we saw any movement. I made it home at 3:30am. And found out that our callbox was broken. I couldn't get into my own complex for 25 minutes.

Then, because I'm an idiot, I thought packing would be a great idea. Just load up the car one more time.

FAIL. The dog had been inside all day and proceeded to run in circles around the complex and howl like some sort of banshee. I cut myself on the picture I broke. I woke up my poor roommate sometime around 4am. However, the car is now loaded. All that is left are my clothes and dishes, and I am officially done with this apartment.

For now, I'm sitting on the couch running late for work, because I feel like a truck rolled over me.

CHAOS in full swing.

2008-06-03T14:37:00.005-05:00

So as I was opening this up to start typing the boss calls. I need to make a phone call to none other than cute boy that I geeked out on the other day. For business purposes, obviously. Then he asked me why I'd never called him about financial stuff. He's coming to the office on Tuesday to discuss.

... weird. I'll update you.

So this week is pure insanity for me. Classes started, Fan Fair is here, and I'm moving. And you know, working, trying to sort out car stuff (which has to be done by Friday when they take back my rental or I'm carless...), etc. At least it's gorgeous out. Sun puts me in a good mood.

Belmont, once again, made financial aid way more complicated than it needed to be... and informed me at 10am yesterday that my classes would be dropped, as my loan would not be certified until later this week. I lost it. I went up there, told them they needed to keep my schedule, and... they actually did. So one by one, the things that could keep me from graduating are disappearing. Just over 2 months!

I've made a serious dent in packing. Which is good, because I plan on hauling the majority of my stuff out TOMORROW. And, so far, the only injury sustained was minor (I managed to tip a bookshelf forward, and every single shelf slid out onto my foot... it was awesome).

My dog is really bitter about the whole situation. With unofficial boy roommate gone and the apartment in utter chaos, he's a bit off kilter. He was in fine form last night. To begin with, Michelle and I discovered "protest poop" under the table. I don't really get the whole "I'm mad at you so I'm going to poop on the floor" response a lot of animals have. I mean, honestly, can we just imagine what would occur if humans had those retaliation tactics? Ugh. Gosh, why did I even go there...

Anyway, so after we get cleaned up, we were packing up comforters into vacuum storage bags (which, PS, are the BEST INVENTIONS EVER), and he pointedly walks over, farts in our general direction, and promptly returns to his corner of the couch.

Then it's dinner time. M is eating in the living room. The dog wanders over, and makes this gagging noise, right over her plate. It seriously looked like he was pretending to throw up on her plate. We laughed at him, naturally, and he was seriously embarrassed. He walked around M's chair, turned his back to us, pushed his ears back, and avoided us. Generally a pretty useless creature, he is at least immensely entertaining.

Sorry this post got so gross. I'll try to avoid the bathroom humor from now on.

Twittering.

2008-05-30T11:21:00.004-05:00

So it seems like I keep hearing about Twitter. I don't know if I completely get it, but since I have the compulsion to write about my life all the time anyway, I signed up. Any thoughts on it? Find me on there if you like...

The Bug Has Officially Been Totaled.

2008-05-27T16:49:00.000-05:00

And yes, I cried.

Random Installments: Episode 4

2008-05-27T12:08:00.003-05:00

1. I love the beach. I need to figure out a way to spend my entire summer there every year and eat nothing but seafood. And popsicles. I don't even mind being salty and sandy and loaded up with sunscreen all the time. I kind of like it. If I start wearing Hawaiian Tropic as perfume until September, don't be surprised... I'm only sort of kidding.

2. Popsicles are incredible. I hope that these bizarre little independent popsicle places that make flavors like "rose petal" and "hibiscus" and "Strawberry Pink Peppercorn" are EVERYWHERE this summer. I know I'm covered in Nashville and North Topsail Island... do we have any places like this in Raleigh? Cary? If not, someone start one. Kthx.

3. Why is it that my entire social life revolves around eating? Seriously guys, we really need to come up with other fun stuff to do. Or I will never wear a two piece bathing suit again. We live in a fun city, I'm fairly sure we can entertain ourselves away from restaurants. I vote for kayaking on the next weekend. Who's in?

4. I am the worst procrastinator in the entire world. We have to be out of our apartment in less that 2 weeks, and I have packed like, a box. Anyone wanna help me? I'll feed you. It may even be homecooked. Please? I'll provide the fun vacuum bags and we can squish all my clothes and bedding. It'll be fun! Oh man. Even I don't believe that.

5. O.M.Gsh. I Want To Believe. I can't wait. I'm gonna die! They're totally gonna make out.

The Damage.

2008-05-27T11:32:00.008-05:00

I hate insurance companies. Especially the ones named Allstate. I hate them a lot. And I am not nice to them. Maybe I should be a little nicer. I tried for like, a minute.. But I can't handle being treated like an idiot. I am really not patient enough for that. I understand that it's their job to make it my fault. The trouble with that is that I just don't care... it was her fault, and my car is broken, so fix it. My insurance company rocks and has taken really good care of me, so I guess that's a huge blessing.

Here are some pictures:

The Bug handled the wreck really well... I was pretty impressed. I plowed into this chick at full speed... and while I'm pretty sure lots of stuff was busted up internally, the front end just kinda rolled under her van. And I didn't die.

Yeah. Again.

2008-05-22T23:42:00.004-05:00

So today. I babysat this morning. I had a little time before I went to the office, so I stop at the mall. Buy me some jeans and a cute new shirt for my trip this weekend. Feelin' pretty good. I'm rollin' down the road. Chillin'. Doin' the speed limit. Hanging out in the right lane.

Next thing I know I'm inhaling gun powder and my airbags have both deployed. The windshield was sufficiently destroyed. A big black van decided to turn left. I have no idea how she missed a bright blue Bug driving down an open road at noon on a sunny day. It was not an intersection. There was no stop light or stop sign for her to run. She just decided that pulling out of the parking lot into my BRAND NEW CAR was a good plan.

So I hop out. My first thought was, her insurance better get me a rental car real quick like. Because tomorrow is beach day. I definitely didn't think about the fact that someone could have been hurt. Not one of my proudest moments.

However, we all ARE fine, so I'm just gonna be angry. Seriously?! What the heck. I didn't even make it three weeks. My computer was also busted in the accident, as it was hanging out on the passenger seat. There's a line in my computer an inch wide where the screen has been busted. So uh, I'm working with it.

When I finally did decide to check myself out I found only a few scratches and bruises from the airbags, so I know I'm pretty lucky. Thanks to Sarah, my boss, who brought me a Cherry Limeade and waited for me and drove me around. So anyway... another day, another day. Tomorrow morning I get to freak out on allstate until they give me a car to take to the beach.

Hysterical. Bono vs Kirk Cameron.

2008-05-19T09:38:00.001-05:00

So I swiped this from Stuff Christians Like. Because it's incredible.

Have you ever thought what it would be like if Kirk Cameron and Bono got into a street fight to see who is the best famous Christian? Just a no holds barred, anything goes donnybrook? No? It's just me then, huh? Well here is what I think it would look like:

Kirk Cameron:
"Look Bono, even before I became really well known for my Christianity I was providing nice, appropriate laughter to millions of people on the hit show, 'Growing Pains.'"

Bono:
"Was that the one with Tony Danza? I get those all confused. Well, while you were making sitcoms that paved the way for 'Two and a Half Men,' I was touring the world singing songs with hidden Christian meaning to millions of people."

Kirk Cameron:
"Fair enough, but I have a powerful ministry called 'the way of the master.' Not only do we have an official crest and a series called "Hell's best kept secret," but my partner has a mustache and everyone knows there is something inherently spiritual about mustachioed men."

Bono:
"Ha, that is hilarious. I touched more hearts than you'll ever reach with my Super Bowl performance after 9/11 and I've allowed Christian musicians to cover my music for years. I didn't even gripe when my songs were covered and suddenly deemed acceptable for Christian radio just because a Christian band was doing them. And don't forget my work in Africa."

Kirk Cameron:
"Oh please, you have a guy named "edge' in your band. Who changes their name to 'edge?' And didn't you swear at the grammy's one year?"

Bono:
"Whoa, low blow, Mike Seaver, low blow. Don't you have a photo shoot you need to be doing with the Jonas Brothers for the magazine Tiger Beat?"

Stephen Baldwin:
"Guys, there's no need to fight. I'm the best famous Christian."

Bono:
"Bio-Dome's Stephen Baldwin, what are you doing here?"

Stephen Baldwin:
"I have a skate ministry and since Stuff Christians Like refuses to give me my own entry I had to crash your entry."

Kirk Cameron:
"None of this matters. I've just been toying with the both of you?"

Stephen Baldwin:
"Why do you say that?"

Kirk Cameron:
"Simple, I was in the movie version of 'Left Behind.'"

Bono:
"You win."

Stephen Baldwin:
"Thanks for having me. Good game. Jon give me a call. I'll give you a free Rob Roskopp old school skateboard."

Listening: Part II

2008-05-16T11:44:00.004-05:00

Okay so a few weeks back I posted about how I was shifting my focus to listening instead of deciding. Well let me tell you, it's pretty incredible. I feel like everything is coming together. Things don't seem as impossible as they did even last week. For the first time I actually feel like this whole graduation/move back to NC thing is going to happen... and not only that, but it's the right decision. I have a peace about it. Even if it changes again, for right now, I need to be there. The obstacles that seemed insurmountable are falling away one by one, such as living situations, which church to go to, etc.

God does absolutely amazing things all the time. Paying attention works wonders.

My roommate is cooler than yours.

2008-05-16T10:08:00.004-05:00

This voicemail is probably the best voicemail ever. So I had to illustrate it a little.

A Sitcom Moment...

2008-05-15T16:00:00.003-05:00

Okay so you know on TV when a girl is interested in a guy... they meet in a professional setting, guys gives girl a business card, and girl says something really smooth like "So how about you tell me more about this over drinks?" And the guy invariably says "Great, pick you up at 8 tomorrow."

Yeah, right now I wish I was that smooth. I'm just sayin'.

Fine. I'll give you the story. Cute Guy walks into the office for a meeting like 30 minutes ago. Boss man is late. Of course. So I have a chance to talk to Cute Guy. Definitely from a town 15 minutes from where I grew up. Really sweet. He's a finance guy.. we start talking about stuff I know nothing about. I tell him I know nothing about it. He gives me his card and says he'll show me how to get set up with IRAs, etc...

Now if I was half as lame as, say, any sitcom actress, when he walks out of that office, I would be like, "So this sounds really interesting... tell me more about it tomorrow night?"

But I'm so not cool enough to pull that off. Instead... I'll put on some lipstick and smile really big when he walks out of his meeting. And watch him drive away in his Lexus. *sigh*

Can I just say...

2008-05-14T12:37:00.005-05:00

... that my life rocks?

Stuff is starting to pull together for my move. Yay!! I don't know that I could be much more excited to be out of school. And um, I have fans. They made tee shirts. :-)

You wish you had kids that cool in your life. :-)

Meanwhile, it's raining. I feel like a 5 year old, staring out the window wishing it was sunny out. I'm having a Cat In The Hat moment right now... I'm envisioning Thing 1 and Thing 2 running around, being scolded by a goldfish while running through the office with kites.

The only thing to do on days like this is sit on the couch with a huge bowl of mac and cheese. With Lifetime on TV. And only Lifetime. From 7am when the Nanny comes on and kicks off my morning until she closes it out at 1:30 AM, with a little Golden Girls, Reba, Frasier, and Will and Grace in between.

Granted, in this scenario I will be passed out wayyyy before 1:30. Are you slightly distressed that I know Lifetime's programming schedule so well? It makes me a little sad. I should probably be more embarrassed than I am. Meanwhile, this sums up my weekend:

I love my life.

My car is the girliest thing in the world.

2008-05-10T00:58:00.008-05:00

And I love it that way. Leave it to me to make a BUG even more girly. You've already seen the outside but I'll post it again. Sorry, I haven't taken a new pic of the outside. Yet. That'll change this weekend I'm sure.

I even Nashvilled it up with the rhinestones. Yes, I went there.

And here are the cherries and cute sea animals. PS - that's a dolphin and sea turtle.

And to top it off they gave me a flower vase. :-)

Things Franklinites like.

2008-05-09T19:57:00.004-05:00

In the tradition of Stuff White People Like and Stuff Christians Like, I have decided to compile a list of stuff people in Franklin like. Because it seems that no matter how many houses I go to, there are a ton of things that I can pretty much count on. Feel free to add to this list:

1. Two refrigerators. Everyone feels the need to not only have a huge side-by-side in their kitchen, but since that cannot possibly hold the amount of food an average family or 4 can eat, they have to put one in the garage or sunroom.

2. Organic everything. I forreal just ate some organic fruit snacks with little Jack.

3. Sonic. I think there's one just about every 100 feet.

4. Hanging their kids names on the walls in their bedrooms. Nearly every child's bedroom has "E L L A" or "A U S T I N" hung in bright letters.

5. Naming their kids Ella, Austin, or any name that should really be a last name (i.e. Brady, Jackson, Walker, Parker, etc).

6. Having TVs everywhere. I think the average Franklin household has about 19.7 televisions in their home. We're talking bathrooms, sunrooms, etc. I was startled to find one in a kitchen cabinet last week.

7. The rustic barn star. It's everywhere. Above fireplaces, in stairwells... anywhere there is blank wall space to be filled.

8. Super complicated cable/TV/DVD set-ups. The universal remote helps nothing. At all. I can count on screwing up everything when I play DVDs. Pretty much every time.

9. Brick homes. Just about every house is brick. With hardwood floors.

10. Bibles. And random religious children's books. This includes Veggietales and any fairy-tale style Bible storybook. I went to a house yesterday and didn't notice any, and was strangle unnerved. Although that could have something to do with an abundance of African tribal masks lining the walls.

11. Stopping completely before they turn.

12. Going to church. There are roughly 46781246 churches in this town. And they all get out at the same time. Do not try to have lunch in downtown Franklin. Unless you are a heathen and go to the Irish pub we go to every week. Then you're golden.

This will most likely be a work in progress. :-)

Backyardigan Battles and Popsicles. For Jen.

2008-05-09T17:08:00.004-05:00

So uh, Jen brought it to my attention that I haven't updated recently. Holy geez, 5 days. That's because I have been working every second I am awake. And like, real working, not pretend working like I usually do. When I'm pretend working I find time to blog.

I'm exhausted. And still have like 7 hours to go. Before I get to go home, pack, and do laundry. My poor puppyface. He hates me right now.

So just to bring everyone up to speed: School's out, yay God. I passed everything. Which is a small miracle in and of itself. Because I'm still not entirely sure how everything got done. But... most of it did. Enough of it did for me to be still enrolled in school.

Now for the next few weeks I juggle my time between sitting in offices and playing with children. Which brings me to my adventure for today.

I showed up at 7:45 for this job this morning. Which is ridiculous. And had this kid alllll day. Anyone who watches children knows what it's like keeping a 4 year old entertained all day. Especially when they don't like TV. So we start off the day by playing Barbies. Entirely his idea, I promise (much to the chagrin of his father, who was at home working for part of the day). Barbies are a completely different experience with 4 year old boys. There was no hair brushing involved. No dressing them up for "weddings". We sent them on rocket rides. Dropped houses on them. They pooped every 30 seconds. Babies were put in the oven.

We read about 756 books before my voice gave out. We ate. We played the most dysfunctional game of Kerplunk ever. I began to run out of things to do about 4 hours in. So I resorted to the balloons I bought that I keep in my car just for these occasions. We head out to the bug and make balloon swords and hats. I take him on an adventure. The enemy was not a monster. Not pirates. None of that. We were fighting off the Backyardigans.

Our attack brought us in circles around the pond, through "tree covered caves", and into "bat" territory. They chased us endlessly. Until he decided he wanted a red popsicle. Then there was a ceasefire of sorts, and we made balloon elephants and monkeys. We were in full battle attire, about to brave the jungles to deliver the monkey to his natural habitat when mom came home and broke up the fun.

He told her to leave.

This is the third job in a row where the kids have told their parents that they didn't want the babysitter to leave. That's good, right? ;-)

It's probably because I am getting entirely too good at acting like a 5 year old.

A day in the life.

2008-05-04T16:25:00.007-05:00

Wake up at 7. Go to church - nursery duty. I had the tinies today -0 to walking. I'm handed Timothy - the crier. He cried for 30 minutes. We walked, we bounced, we rocked... to no avail. Finally, Timothy's mama comes. I enjoy my Route 44 Sonic drink and play with Ben the rest of the time. The easy baby.

Then I had a clown gig. Since I'm perpetually overbooked, I had to get ready at the church. I'm standing in the bathroom getting plenty of stares as I paint up my face.

I'm just finishing up and look over to see Pam Tillis beside me. Anyway, yeah so I'm pretty embarrassed. But I laugh it off, then jump in my Bug and head over to another church to twist some balloons.

I get there and Jo Dee Messina and her mom were sitting there. I was like awesome, this is a fun game. Let's see how many celebrities I can run into dressed like a clown.

At least the dogs enjoy my skirt.

Sorry about the wall shot at the end. I uh, didn't realize it was still recording.

Random Installments: Episode 3

2008-05-01T22:17:00.001-05:00

1. Somehow the concept of being in 2 places at once still seems possible to me. Which, being an intelligent woman with a reasonable understanding of the laws of physics, doesn't make much sense. Yet I continually overbook myself. I'm going to start keeping a planner. I'll let you know how this works out for me.

2. I should be a 5 year old boy. I enjoy poking roly-poly's and chasing animals way more than I should probably admit. And I don't even mind the dirt under my fingernails. I seriously considered buying a creepy crawler machine after playing with one a while back. SO FUN.

3. Summer makes me a happier person. The sun comes out - I love life. Maybe there's a direct correlation between the amount of ice cream I consume when it's hot and my elevated mood? Maybe it's the obnoxious yellow purse? Who knows. But it's workin' for me.

4. I want my car. In case you haven't heard yet... meaning, you've had no contact with me this week, I'm buying a car, which is on it's way from Atlanta and will be in the same city as me by tomorrow. Meanwhile, my useless machine is overheating constantly, spewing fluids everywhere, and generally being an eyesore. This is my new car:

Tell me that I don't belong in a Bug. I'm breaking her in on a trip to NC. Very soon. Next week if I can scrape the gas money together... Because um, gas home is going to cost me MORE THAN MY FREAKING RENT. But, this time I don't have to rent a car!

5. Since it seems that I always close these out with a YouTube video, I'll keep up the tradition with a little flashback from Keith Urban and Patty Loveless... from when Keith was "on the verge"... yeah he'll never make it. March 2001.

I love love love both of them.

Reason #732 I Shouldn't Drive...

2008-05-01T13:57:00.003-05:00

Before I start this, I need to say, in my own defense, that I haven't hit ANYTHING in 2 1/2 years. I'm just sayin'.

So there was a situation at work, and the short story is that I needed to get a check in the mail... like, yesterday. After a not-so-nice phone call from the company, which I handled with complete grace, I assure you, I cut the check and leave a message with one of my bosses to please make arrangements with me to get it signed ASAP, so I don't get any more angry phone calls.

It was decided that I would run the check over to his house to get it signed and the drop it in the mail. I roll up, as hectic as usual because I had 5 stops to make on my little adventure, and circle the cul-de-sac to his house. And promptly knock over his mailbox.

Do not ask me how I managed to do this because I don't know. I walk up to his door, and he goes "Um, did you just knock over my mailbox?" I was like uh, yeah... about that... he was like "how the hell did you do that?"

I HAVE NO IDEA. He laughed at me. Refused any offer to replace it, telling me that would be silly. Then wished me a safe drive back to the office....

And no, I didn't hit anything else.

"Um, why is your face painted...?"

2008-04-29T21:21:00.003-05:00

So... today. I have a clown gig. Except, it's not just the run of the mill birthday party or church function. Oh no. Ms. Mary E. wanted me to deliver a fruit basket to her husband in the nursing home. Now, Marty has dementia. He does not know who anyone is. I thought it was such a sweet gesture. I go pick up the fruit basket and then drive out to Mary E.'s retirement building and meet her in the lobby to pick up a card for Marty before heading over there. All the little old ladies sat in the lobby and cooed about how cute I was. Of course I was cute. Anything painted with pink hearts is cute, right?

They inform me that Marty loves the ladies. Several times. I assure them that I'll be cute and give him a hug goodbye, and then call Mary E. for a report when I'm finished. So, mission initiated. I arrive at Marty's nursing home, feeling pretty good about all the old people smiling at me. It was by far one of the more rewarding clown experiences thus far. I arrive to find Marty getting his nails filed by a a woman. Obviously not a nurse. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Hello! How are you doing, Mr. Marty?"

Marty: "Doing pretty good, whatcha got there?"

Me: "Ms. Mary E. sent this for you! Isn't it nice?"

Marty: "Yeah that's great! ... my ex-wife."

Me: *awkward pause*

Other Woman: "I'm what you would call the other woman."

Me: *another awkward pause* *forced laugh and obscenely large smile.*

What. The. Heck. Who introduces themselves to a stranger as "the other woman"? Especially when said stranger looks like this:

Meanwhile, I run late for everything, so I didn't have time to change before class. Period. I didn't even have time to pee. So... I most definitely attended my last class of the year like this. In addition, I was rockin' striped tights, a polka dotted skirt, hot pink tank top, and black patent shoes with bows on them.

Yeah. You wish you could be as cool as me.

... and I wonder why I don't have friends.

Kidding.

I have amazing ones. Who even choose to walk around campus with me dressed like this. Yeah, Ashley you're awesome.

Now... I will finally go remove paint from my face. 6 hours after I gave Mary E. my report.

PS - She's fully aware of the other woman and asked me about her and talked trash on the phone afterward. Awkward.

Epic Fail.

2008-04-27T20:05:00.006-05:00

So today we decided to go for a hike. Just me and R dub and our three beautiful matching puppies. Despite Chelsee's warnings of a thunderstorm rolling through around - okay, exactly - the same time we were planning on going. We get there around noon. About 40 minutes in we're doing good. Aside from the whole Deliah rolling in poop thing. But... these things can be corrected.
It starts to rain. Now, last week it rained on our hike. That's fine. Whatever. I can handle a little wetness. Then it starts to rain. And we know my dog is a pansy. He starts shaking. We're not even halfway through the 5 mile trail at this point. We get to a road. Finally. We're both completely soaked at this point. It's cold. There's no one else in sight. Because they all have brains and have chosen to leave the park. Mentally healthy people don't go play in the thunderstorm with 3 dogs.

We decide to take the road back. Because two and a half miles of muddy rocky trail does not sound like it's going to work at this point. Our dogs are beginning to resemble drowned rats. We set out on the road, completely unsure of where we're going. But there! There's a shelter! A park map perhaps?! A car is parked, and we see two people in the shelter.

We approach said shelter slowly, an eerie music floating through the air and slowing our approach. Who are these people? And why are they on top of the picnic table in lawn chairs? We tossed around several ideas. KKK? Satanists? Polygamists? Naturally, we look for the best in people.

Choking on smoke as we approached, I asked them if they minded if we stood under the shelter for a minute, and explained that we were lost and hoping to find a map. She explained that we should take the access road we had passed coming off the trail and head to the right to get back to the road leading to where we were parked. So we make a quick exit and walk up the nasty gravel road. We make it to the end and find ourselves on the highway. Obviously we can't walk three dogs along a main road with no walkway. So we turn around and try to plan another course of action.

Passing back by creepy polygamist people, I suggest turning off the main road again in the direction we needed to go. We begin winding around into nowhere, discussing being chased by polar bears. Then Rachel injured herself. I threw her around my shoulders to protect her bum ankle, all three dogs pulling on my arm as I walked 7 miles uphill. Then came the earthquake.
Okay not really. But we really did walk forever down the windy wet road, and eventually come to our trail. I made the call that we should pick up the trail there and take it back to where we began. Again, epic fail. We walk a ways into this trail and have the deja vu feelings. Not entirely okay with this. Finally, we sit on a muddy rock on the hill and plan our course of action. I call some people and have my roommate look up the number for the park ranger. No dice. No one was available to help us. The recording suggested calling metro. So... we did.

An hour later we still hadn't gotten a response from metro. We were cranky, cold, and our girly puppies were horribly miserable. Desperate, we call 911. To be hung up on because we were not in a life or death situation. Whatever. We call Kim and Susan, and they agree to rescue us. Of course, several minutes later, Metro finally returns our call, and we cancel our ride, choosing instead to let the cop pick us and our drowned rat dogs up.

We wait, sitting on a big rock, letting the dogs hang out. The rain has begun to let up and we're freezing but relaxed. Then Laney jumps into the creek and emerges covered in mud. At this point all we can do is laugh at how absurd our situation is.

The cop arrives, we load all our mud and stench into his back seat and accept his ride back to our vehicles. Drenched, cold, and tired, three hours later, we headed back to Kingston Springs, where Kim and Susan took us to get some Chinese, then made us brownies. Here I sit on the couch, finally completely warm and comfortable, 5 dogs cuddling on the couches and chairs with us. All in all, we came out unscathed. We just looked like this:

Here They Are...

2008-04-27T00:08:00.003-05:00

A few more pictures from the photo shoot...

Don't Let The Weasel Pigs Bite!

2008-04-26T23:32:00.004-05:00

I love kids. I love babysitting. Seriously. Quitting serving to chase babies was one of the best moves I've made in a while. No, I don't have as much money. But I have my sanity. Shut up, I do. I am a lot meaner when I'm hustling tables.

I actually think I'm going to miss this gig when I have to get a big girl job. I can handle the digging for worms, playing endless games of Dora Candyland, watching obscene amounts of Disney channel, and even changing diapers. Pretty sure I've developed a mom-like tolerance for bodily fluids at this point.

I can even handle juggling dozens of bedtime routines. I like reading stories, or letting the older kids read to me. I don't even mind getting showed up at Xbox or various sports by 5 year olds. Being able to have picnics in the yard, eat mac & cheese and hot dogs, chase butterflies and bunnies, throw balls straight up just to see how high I can make them go, and listening to 5 year olds play songs on the piano that they have picked out themselves is worth the occasional awkward family or baby that won't stop screaming.

It keeps me in check. It's hard to take yourself too seriously when you're making caterpillars out of Floam or hiding out in a castle of couch cushions and blankets.

What. The. Heck.

2008-04-22T12:18:00.004-05:00

So somewhere within the past few months I got really stupid. Now, those of you who have been around me longer know that there is a general spaciness that I have always owned up to... I like to think it's endearing.

This goes into an entirely new realm. I'm going to blame my recent bout of idiocy on the stress of doing 837 things at once, all the time. Just because it'll make me feel better about myself. Just a brief sampling of a few shining moments...

1. "Losing" my camera. I spent hours looking. Tore apart my disaster of a vehicle, looked under every seat. Called Belmont's lost and found, campus security, filed a report with the school, etc. Resigned to purchasing another camera, I return to my apartment... to find it on the couch. Where I left it after I uploaded the last set of pictures a couple days ago. Still attached to the USB cable.

2. I stop to get gas this morning. I remember to return the nozzle to the pump. Doing good. I get in the car and get on the highway, and realize that my computer is no longer on the seat beside me. I fly into panic mode, pull over... to find it under my purse. On the seat. In all it's bright blue glory, right where I'd left it.

3. Yesterday, I'm leaving the office to go to a meeting. Apparently, I left the door unlocked, because I most definitely got chewed out this morning by bossman because a songwriter was sitting in the lobby hanging out when he got here. Luckily said songwriter friend got here shortly after I left... or we might be out a few more beers.

The list goes on and on. M has referred to it as "pregnant brain"... I only wish I had that solid of an excuse. So please forgive me for my stupidity... if my theory holds, they will decrease in frequency come August.

Mud, Sweat, and the Mafia...

2008-04-21T09:27:00.005-05:00

I hate working out. A lot. Basically it's the process of going to the gym. Probably because it's outside and I don't have to be in the presence of those "gym people". Or the bacteria-ridden equipment. However, hiking I can do all the time. I get to be outside and be with friends and my dog and spend as much time as I want playing in the woods. Four of us hiked Saturday morning, pit bull and basenji pulling us the entire way. The last 2.5 miles were definitely in the rain, and basically, I didn't care. It was still fabulous. Even though I had mud up to my knees and both dogs had a panic attack. Apparently they melt in the rain - must have some gremlin in them.

Yesterday was even more perfect. Nicole joined us for our incredible Sunday morning routine, which was followed by Tony's senior recital photo shoot. Here's a preview of the results...

Mafia much? Godfather style rings and all...

And there might be nothing I love more than Sunday afternoon cookouts. My life is good.

Is it strange...

2008-04-19T00:52:00.001-05:00

... that I have to fight my dog for my pillow every night?

Snakes, Snails and Puppy Dog Tails...

2008-04-17T13:34:00.004-05:00

From A 5 Year Old Boy's Mind: Wildlife adventures in suburban Tennessee.

1. Lifting up every single rock in your yard and your neighbors yards to see what lives under them is clearly the best way to start outside time. (PS, Tennessee has some of the largest critters you've ever seen.)

2. Big black birds sit on the other side of the fence and plot attacks against unsuspecting robins.

3. We HAVE to put birdseed all over the lawn and in bowls on the deck or every bird will starve.

4. Sitting on the deck and screaming "TWEET TWEET!" to the tune of Mary Had A Little Lamb will make the birds come join our picnic.

5. Planting a feather in a pot will grow birds.

6. All "big orange bees" (aka wasps) can be defeated with daddy's hat.

7. OBVIOUSLY holly bushes are too prickly for robins to make nests in, so it doesn't make sense to look under them for robin eggs. Duh.

8. Hot dogs in ranch dressing and a peanut butter sandwich is the best lunch ever.

9. The big black bird with a bluish neck is a nickel. Definitely not a grackle.

10. Striped plastic dinosaurs must have an afternoon snack of hanging ferns before you can lay down for your rest. Which by the way, is "stinky".

The Taxman Cometh. Or H&R Block Cometh.

2008-04-16T10:29:00.002-05:00

I don't know how to do taxes. Therefore, I just... don't. This year the economic stimulus motivated me. I was pumped. I was gonna do it early.

Alas, two employers couldn't get it together. They didn't get me all my 1009's and w2's until the end of March. I picked up the last one after I got back from Easter. Highly illegal, but I digress.

PS - 1099's are the devil. That money is NOT TAX FREE. What. the. heck.

I was too busy being a rock star this week to get around to it. April 15th rolls around. I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a truck. Taxes? What? I'll file an extension. I don't know how to do them. I lost a W2 that I'd spent 4 months chasing down.

9:45 am: Walk outside to look for lost W2 in the car... it's right on the seat. No more excuses.

10 am: Should be leaving for work. Sit down and start to look at my different procrastination options. File an extension. Do it when I get home from work? No, I'm useless at night. Crap. Let's get started.

10:30 am: Go to H&R Block online. Enter in my name. Quit. Go to work.

10:40 am: Hear about a rapid extension service at the Ryman. Seriously contemplate going there and letting them file an extension for me.

11 am: Get to work. Feel guilty. Start messing around with H&R Block online. Enter my social security number. Quit. Check messages and make a couple phone calls.

11:30 am: Enter in a few numbers. Get $.37 back. But wait, I'm eligible for what? a $930 credit for being an independent student? Yes please.

12 pm: Celebrate my victory. I fought the tax gods and won.

Horrified

2008-04-16T10:01:00.003-05:00

So I was browsing this blog and stumbled across this video. It was produced by Wayout TV, which is a Damon Wayans project. I'm not gonna post the video because it literally made me sick to my stomach, but here's a quick summary. A guy finds out his girlfriend is pregnant. She's unsure of what to do. He tells her he's ecstatic, and she starts to get excited and says she's going to call her mom and all her friends, etc. Guy gets off the phone and calls "Abortion Man", who flies over to this girl and beats her until what we are to believe is a bloody fetus flies across the screen. Enter Guy, who says "Thanks Abortion Man, you saved my life".

It's done in the style of a Mad TV or SNL sketch. I'm absolutely horrified on so many levels. Does someone out there really think that's funny? What would possess someone to be a part of producing that? I'm completely stunned that something like this can be passed off as funny.

Listening.

2008-04-16T08:13:00.003-05:00

Sometimes my heart breaks because I feel like I'm giving up so much with any decision I make. Like it did when I started crying in class this morning for no apparent reason. I did decide to leave Nashville. Then Monday night reminded me of how much I love the music business, and how much I love things here. How much I love the music and the excitement and the live productions and the glamour. I am questioning how willing I am to give it up. How do you decide between between your dreams and your heart? I feel like they should go together. But my heart is in North Carolina and my dreams are in Nashville.

Sometimes I think I do things just because I need to prove to myself and to other people that I can. I'm sick of the distraction. I've finally achieved some level of confidence, and I know that I'm going to be alright in either place. I know what I'm good at. I know what I love. I'm trying to figure out how to turn that into a decision. I've realized that I've just been begging God to give me an answer, when I'm the one not paying attention. So my focus has shifted to listening. I'll let you know how that works out for me.

CMT Moments...

2008-04-15T00:03:00.006-05:00

What a weird night. I was posted outside of the Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus dressing rooms. Which basically meant that I held up the wall in hallway and pointed people in the right directions, and got Miley and Billy Ray and their entourage anything they needed. Some highlights from my night:

* Running into Snoop Dogg when I got there. Quite literally. It was terrifying.

* Turning a corner to see Miley screaming and running at me with her arms up over her head.

* Watching 3 guys carry Paula Abdul down the hall, while a girl walked in front of them, pointing out anything she could trip over... it was strange.

* Naomi Judd telling Taylor Swift to "keep her head on straight"... um... okay.

* Miley's grandma asking us who EVERYONE was...

* Miley's AGENT asking us who everyone was... including Naomi... I was like um, look at that freaking hair she's a Judd. Isn't it his job to know this stuff?

* Being in the same room as Reba. Period.

* Emily West making Kenny Chesney talk to her mom on the phone. I love her, but did anyone else think she maybe looked a little bit like a drag queen tonight? Holy green eyeliner. But you should still go listen to her stuff on myspace, she's incredible.

* Running over to Belmont's cafeteria to make Miley a sandwich because she wouldn't eat any of the catering in the green room. And no one had time to go to Subway.

* Sugarland, Little Big Town, and Jake Owen performing Life In A Northern Town. Don't know how it sounded on TV, but it sounded amazing live.

* Taylor Swift doing a barefoot victory dance all the way down the hall after winning. She was so freaking spastic. But pretty cute, I suppose.

* LeAnn Rimes reprising Nothin' Better To Do after they got off stage while she and her dancers all bounced down the hall. She's gorgeous. And this song is amazing.

* "Where's Bobby Brown? WE NEED BOBBY! HE CAN'T BE OUTSIDE SMOKING!!"

* Kenny Chesney touching my shoulder and smiling at me, and me not recognizing him. Awkward moment.

* Faith Hill being a total sweetheart? What?

* Pillaging dressing rooms after everyone left.

* Miley walking out of her dressing room with her shirt pulled up asking for salt water to clean her infected belly button piercing...

That's all I got. I'm tired.

***EDITED TO ADD***

* Hearing one of Snoop Dogg's guys say that Paula Abdul USED to be hot when she had the cartoon cat with her... haha! She didn't look bad... at least I didn't think so. What do we think?

* Nicole Kidman is flawless. And her husband isn't so bad either.

* Sara Evans needed more dress and less black hair... holy hooker.

* Tom Arnold looks seriously old.

* Kimberly from Little Big Town is a dollface.

This is how a rock star's weekend goes:

2008-04-14T08:30:00.004-05:00

Friday Morning: Meet Trisha Yearwood.

Friday afternoon: Enter mountaintop resort. Hang out with the girls, drink good wine in the observatory, have a dance party on the porch, and fall asleep in the massage chair watching movies. (Try to not feel guilty about the fact that you passed out before you could give J directions. Wake up at 3:30am and realize she called you 3 times and feel like crap, but go back to sleep on the sleeping porch.)

Saturday Morning: Wake up and call J. Give her directions. Lay around and eat french toast until 3pm.

Saturday Night: Go visit friend who had surgery. Watch cheesy Drew Barrymore movie. Go back to The Resort and fall asleep in massage chair again.

Sunday Morning: Sleep until 10. Watch America's Next Top Model (Cycle 8 - does anyone else want to punch Natasha and Jael?) for SIX HOURS.

Sunday Night: Go to awards show rehearsal and act busy. Get irritated with hearing Carrie sing All American Girl for 45 minutes. Leave and have dinner with friend. Go back to rehearsal because you feel guilty for bailing. Realize Toby Keith is on stage and ask to go home. Return to resort and drink wine and eat cheese. Actually fall asleep in the incredible bed.

*Resort had no internet connection. Sorry I've been out of the blogosphere for a few days. :-)*

Random Installments: Episode 2

2008-04-09T08:34:00.005-05:00

1. I'm working the CMT awards on Monday. It's gonna be a long day and I really couldn't care less about most of it... except I really hope I get a chance to meet Miley Cyrus. Is that strange? I don't care, I kinda wanna be Hanna Montana when I grow up. I will totally geek out and try and get a picture. Don't doubt me.

2. I will never understand why they have to teach me calculus. Ever. Nothing any teacher or anyone else can say will ever help me rationalize why I need to understand the quadratic method or derivatives or why I need to be able to find the slope of a tangent line. Really, I cannot even get past the whole multiplying letters thing. This is a huge amount of unnecessary stress for me.

3. My dog is jealous of my computer. 3 times last night I was sitting on my couch writing, and he would charge across the room, stare at me and whine for a second, then proceed to pounce on the top of my computer and slam it shut. He was very deliberate about his intentions - and he achieved his goal, I suppose, because I played with him every single time he managed to slam it shut on my fingers. After I yelled at him, of course.

4. Leaving a two hour gap between my MWF classes was the most brilliant thing I have done since entering college. Seriously. At first I thought it was stupid because I had a huge empty slot to fill three days a week, but in reality I have these glorious two hours to ~~sit on my butt and blog, eat, nap, facebook stalk you,~~ do homework.

5. Anyone remember this show? It's kind of creepy now that I look back at it. My favorite part is where they misspell "medicine".

Eulogy

2008-04-08T11:21:00.003-05:00

My Toyota is for real on its last legs. And to be entirely honest, I'm ready for it to die. It's lived a long, fulfilling life. 257k miles of life, to be specific. So, in honor of this money-absorbing hunk of metal I call a car, here are a few highlights from its life:

2 weeks after I acquired it: A friend of mine had come from North Carolina to audition for the music program at my school. He stays with me for the night, and we get up early to get him to his audition to find "snow" on the ground. There was all of 1/4" - and that's being generous - but unfortunately ice created a fun little slip and slide on the way to the school. It took on the curb and lost miserably. $1200 later, we're up and running again. I use that term loosely. Basically, it means that the wheels spin and it stops and goes when I tell it to.

End of last summer: I'm sort of notorious for leaving my lights on. The Toyota's battery finally

rebelled and ended its life. I suppose they can only handle so many jump starts before it's just too much for them to handle anymore. I made very good use of the AAA that my boss bought for me.

Early Dec.: On my way to a friend's house. The brake light and battery light come on. I was fairly sure that batteries were supposed to last more than a few months, and that my brakes were in working order, so I was perplexed. I make a few phone calls. General assessment? We have no idea, ignore it it's probably nothing. I turn off the highway. Toyota starts making horrific clicking sounds. After a few blocks, it putters and chokes it's way to a halt in a church parking lot. A cute couple with a daughter about my age stop and help me and my smoking, useless vehicle.

Christmas: Midnight. It's dark and cold. I need gas. I'm somewhere in Western, NC - and that stretch of highway is in desperate need of gas stations. I finally find one - the only light off this exit. I pull off and make my way into a parking space. I'm surrounded by scary mountain people, one of which is the hunched old man taking out the trash. I try to take my car out of park and it's stuck. It will not shift. I call mom and her transmission-specialist boyfriend, who can really do nothing for me. Scary old trash man comes to my aid, and finds a little hidden button called a "shift over-ride button". I still have to push this button every time I shift my car out of park.

About a week ago: Toyota starts shuddering horribly. Even more than usual. Oil light comes on. I make a note to add more oil asap, but stop at my bank first. Oil is dripping, and leaving a rainbow-trail across the rainy parking lot. I freak out, call M and make plans to go car shopping that afternoon, and head over to the gas station to add more oil, so I can make it home. There is no oil cap on my car. I apparently left it off when I added oil the day before, and without a cap, the engine had spewed what was left of the oil in it all over the inside of my car. It still smells like it's burning up every time I drive it.

So Toyota, these are the memories you leave me with. Several other cars have left their mark in my life - you will not be nearly as missed as Jeep Comanche or Saturn. Goodbye. I hope you can find your purpose as a hunk of scrap metal somewhere.

Wait, have you done this before?

2008-04-04T11:46:00.003-05:00

So there are some circumstances when you really just don't want a person who is in training to be involved. For example, someone in a position to handle my money. Or a lawyer, were I ever to be accused of murder. Or a surgeon, were I ever to need major surgery. That would be bad too.

This same principle applies to anyone in a position to draw blood from me. I donate pretty regularly, and have for years. Now, granted, I'm not the easiest person to draw blood from. I generally give people who draw my blood a heads up. I'm not entirely sure why. It's a pretty safe bet that they'll figure it out soon enough (I always imagine them thinking "oh really? I can't even SEE your veins without beating on your arm and tying it off with a rubber band... do you even HAVE veins?..."), but I feel compelled to share this bit of information every single time I donate. My first clue should have been when she responded to this statement by shaking her head and saying "Woo, girl, don't do this to me..." I probably should have been like, can I have that one? Anyone else? Here, I'll do it myself, hand me the iodine. Instead I laid there calmly and drank my orange juice, waiting.

She begins by nearly bathing me in iodine and betadine. My arm now looks like it belongs on Lindsay Lohan. After a few unsuccessful attempts to stick me, she declares rather loudly that I'm a slow one. I apologized, because apparently I had some sort of control over it. The neighboring nurse (I guess they're nurses? Not sure...) comes over and looks at my arm. She decides that the problem is that the needle was not in far enough, and proceeds to push said needle further into my arm.

I resisted the urge to punch her (mainly because I was afraid I'd knock out the needle and be subjected to a "re-do" of sorts...), chewing angrily on the straw in my orange juice. But... I survived it, didn't pass out, and rather enjoyed the excuse to have a cookie and sit for a few minutes. And be late for class.

I am NOT, however, enjoying these track mark looking bruises on my arms and the depleted muscle capacity in my right arm (it's been FIVE DAYS)... definitely gonna be a chore hauling babies tonight.

Random Installments: Episode 1

2008-04-03T20:20:00.008-05:00

1. I HATE when the bottom of my jeans get wet in the rain. It pretty much ruins my night. I wish I was exaggerating. I have a habit of always sitting on my feet, and when my jeans are wet and I sit on my feet, my butt gets wet, and being in class with a wet butt and wet legs until 10pm is really unfortunate and makes me hate being in International Business even more than I already do, because we all know that there are SO many other places I could be right now.

2. I babysat for a 4 year old weasel pig today. We played with transformers for an hour (side note: can ANYONE actually make those things work? I really won't even discuss what a miserable failure I am as a transformer-fixer), until he got bored with them and insisted that I read 637 Golden Books. By the end of the last book about trucks or firemen or something, my throat was raw, and I convinced him to choose a game. Any game. I needed my voice. So, he chose "jail". Basically, we took turns "handcuffing" each other and locking each other in his bedroom, then breaking out and running like idiots around the house. I was definitely mid-tackle when mom got home.

3. Southern Drivers + Rain = Stupid. I'm not sure what it is, but there is definitely some sort of stupid switch that gets flipped in our brains when it's raining outside. I'm totally among them. There were some pretty substantial storms blowing through here today, and it was dang near impossible to get around. I am pretty much always late anyway, but rain automatically adds at LEAST 10 minutes to my late-ness. I really don't know how to explain this phenomenon. But it's a fact.

4. I would be barefoot all the time if it was acceptable. Which is sort of ridiculous if you're familiar with the absurd amount of shoes I own. However, at any given point throughout the day, I will not have shoes on my feet. Even at work. With my suits and jackets and dresses... it doesn't matter. I can't explain this one either.

5. This little girl is the cutest thing in the whole world.

All for cheap beer...

2008-04-03T14:23:00.004-05:00

So this morning was hectic. I was up early, doing school work. I get to my babysitting gig late, and on the way in to the office stop to have lunch with a friend. My boss calls me and asks when I'll be back to cover the office. I was like, since when is that an issue? We have machines for a reason. But I got there as soon as I could.

So I'm sitting at my desk, the phone's ringing off the hook, and one of them is from boss man's girlfriend.

"How's the office?"

"Um, fine."

"Really? It was broken in to."

Um, huh? I had no idea. I did a quick scan of the office - all expensive stuff, i.e. the recording equipment, computers, CD drives, phones, and instruments are in place. Thom shows me the door - clearly jimmied. The dead bolt had been ripped out. Explains why we needed someone at the office.

Their prize?

3 cans of Milwaukee's Best and a Dell laptop from 1987.

Seriously? Why go to the trouble of breaking and entering for 3 cans of cheap beer and a useless laptop? I could think of so many other things to do with my time. Even as a homeless person. If you're going to break into an office full of expensive equipment, make it count.

I freakin' love music row. It reminds me of last summer. I was in a meeting toward the back of the building and didn't hear someone enter through the main entrance. My boss finally heard something and we walk back to my office. A homeless guy is standing in front of my desk.

Homeless Guy: "Can I sweep your parking lot?"

Boss man: "Well, we have someone that takes care of that. Thanks, I think you'd better go."

Homeless Guy: "Come on man, can I rake the yard?"

Boss man: "No, we're good thank you."

Homeless guy: "Can I get a drink of water at least?"

Boss man: "Sure."

We gave him some water and sent him on his way, only to find out later that he'd stolen a couple hundred dollars cash out of my purse (I was a waitress at the time... and carried a ridiculous amount of cash on me. I learned quick.)

Yeah, I work in the ghetto.

Crossroads? ,

2008-04-01T23:27:00.005-05:00

So I spend an inordinate amount of time planning my future. My mom yells at me for this, because I'm sure it's exhausting. I have tossed around cities and jobs and general life plans endlessly, praying and thinking and trying to get the next chapter of my life mapped out.

So far, I've looked at NYC, Chicago, Nashville, Raleigh, and Austin as potential destinations.

Yes, I have even looked into Australia. (Which is not entirely out of the running, depending on the results of the election in November...)

I've come to the following conclusions:

Chicago: Entirely too cold. I don't do winter very well. I am not entirely sure I can grasp the concept that people actually function in single digit winter. I would probably not work from November to April. Snow on the ground is clearly God giving me permission to stay in bed.

New York: Falls under the entirely too cold for a southerner category as well. Not to mention the fact that I would die in the city. I like to drive and play outside too much. But B is there. And the job market is better.

Austin: I know I'd do well in Austin. I'd love it. It's warm, dry, and full of cowboys and live music. The issue? Proximity to ANYTHING I am familiar with. Which may not be altogether a bad thing.

Nashville: Still not completely out of the running. I'm pretty established here. I have great friends. It's a good place to live. Well, at least Williamson County is. But the job market here is pretty unfortunate, and I just don't think I can play this game forever.

Australia: Aussies are crazy. Although, I'm not entirely opposed to the idea of being a beach bum. And I might pick up a sweet accent.

Let's face it... I'm going to end up back in NC. So what the heck does that mean? What will I do there? Because once I get my $90,000 piece of paper I will not be waiting tables or changing diapers for strangers. The short story is that I have absolutely no idea what I'll do. Honestly, I'm not the best at making life plans. I change my mind daily. I'm emotional about it, I sometimes let my forthcoming freedom and my curiosity get the best of me. I get so excited about what I CAN do, and want to do ALL OF IT. RIGHT NOW.

Basically I try to do God's job, without asking him what His plans are.

A good friend of mine pointed out tonight that every time I go home, there is something different that seems to pull me back in that direction. A different opportunity, a different relationship - something new every trip. She's right. This pull I feel toward home isn't an accident.

I've got to go where I'm being led.

My Field Trip To Lawrenceburg, TN.

2008-03-29T10:10:00.032-05:00

So back in January, I was a clown for a kids birthday party an hour and a half southeast of where I live. Basically, Alabama. So, of course, I underestimate the amount of time it will take me to get there. I'm in a hurry. I get pulled over, because that's what happens to me. We're all aware of my luck with cars.

The cop was definitely not forgiving. He wrote me up for everything he could find - 4 total citations, with a mandatory court date of March 28. I was pretty bitter about the idea of driving back out to Lawrenceburg again but I wasn't really in a position to negotiate.

So Thursday night I go to prepare for my next adventure to Podunk, Tennessee. I look at my ticket. The time at the top says 2:15. Excited that they gave me a time, I get my paperwork together and go about my business. Around noon on Friday, I'm walking out the door to my office and look at the ticket again. 2:15 was definitely the citation time. My court time was at 9am. I am envisioning a warrant out for my arrest, and call the clerk in a mild panic.

Me: So I'm having a mild panic attack. My court time was

at 9am and I misread my time on the ticket.

Clerk: Wait, you're the one coming from Nashville, right? (I'd already called for directions)

Me: Yes ma'am, I am.

Clerk: Well just get on down here, be safe. They'll be in for a while, you'll be okay.

Me: But I'm still in Nashville. I have to drive down there. There's no warrant out?

Clerk: You'll be fine. If they call your name and you're not there, they'll come out and I'll tell them you called.

Me: You're sure? I won't be cuffed when I walk in?

Clerk: No. Just get on down here, you called and let me know, it's okay.

Me: Okay. I'm on my way.

So on the drive down Rachel calls me, and I'm talking, not entirely sure where I'm going. Next thing I know, I'm like, 15 minutes from the Alabama border. Deciding to focus on getting there, as I'm already about 4 hours late, I hang up and call the courthouse again. Apparently Nashville is a foreign land to people in Lawrence County. No one knew where to tell me to go. So eventually I figure out that I'm 20 miles past my exit, and tune into the Alabama radio stations for the remainder of the drive.

The closer I get to Lawrence County, the stranger things seem to get. I start seeing an

abundance of trailers and rusted out, obviously

immobile cars parked on lawns. I briefly

wonder if anyone would notice if I parked my Toyota between them, but realize quickly that would require another means of getting myself back to Nashville. I did NOT want to be without transportation in this part of the world. ----->

Apparently Lawrence County is Amish country - Tennessee style. (Yes, that's a horse and buggy crossing sign, and that is a meat outlet behind it.) I manage not to kill any horses or people, and keep driving into "town". There's a Wal-Mart (of course) and about 37 Rik's BBQ gas

station/restaurants.

Eventually I make it to the courthouse. I walk in, now roughly 5 hours late for my appearance, and, after riding in quite possibly the scariest elevator I've ever encountered, I make it to the

traffic citation office. The lady immediately recognizes me as the one that called her a grand

total of 4 times that day, and she send me back to the judge. Who is sitting in an office the size

of a closet that she shared with another woman, flipping through folders. She opens mine up,

crosses off three out of the 4 violations, and reduces the speeding violation to the minimum. It took a grand total of 42 seconds, she sends me back out front and I'm done. Nothing goes on my record, and I've been released from several hundred dollars of fees.

Sweet.

So I hop back in my car and start to head out again, completely relieved. This time I spend my drive enjoying the scenery. Apparently the hot spot was the Kuntry Kitchen, and if I hadn't been alone, I would have insisted on stopping. I made the trek back to Nashville, slightly

impressed that the Toyota had survived the adventure.

Basically, I should never drive. Period.

One of my finest moments.

2008-03-21T12:09:00.004-05:00

So let me preface this by saying that I have been sick for the better part of a week, I am sleep deprived, and stressed out. Not that that excuses this. I just thought I would mention it.

So last night I made the drive from Nashville to Raleigh for the 13725412th time. I rented a car, because as you all know, my vehicle struggles to make it, like, out of the parking space in the morning. So after a slight struggle at the car rental place, I get on the road an hour later than intended. I get a little east of Nashville and stop to gas up.

I open the little superman blue door of the Chevy Cobalt, and my dog springs out from behind my seat and starts running his fool little head off in circles through the gas station parking lot. I am particularly well dressed in my super baggy sweats and a wife beater, and have no choice but to leap out of the car and begin to chase him. Barefoot. After his brush with death, I picked his little butt up and threw him into the back seat, slamming the door quickly. He’s such a jerk.

So after our ridiculous display, I begin the gassing up process. I start it up, and head into the building for some liquid refreshment and a bathroom break. (Yes, I put on my shoes. You’re gross.) In that time span, my mother calls. I am describing the scene I made with my idiot dog, and I hop in the car and pull out of the gas station.

I vaguely recall some people honking… I assumed they were honking at someone else… why would they be honking at ME? So I hop on the interstate and go about my business. I make it roughly 40 miles, before a car pulls up beside me and honks repeatedly and flashes their lights, waving two sets of arms out the window. This time I notice. I see them pointing in the general direction of my gas cap, and was like, oh, I must have left my gas cap off. Let me stop and close it. I make a graceful exit to the side of the highway, and a semi exits the highway along with me. I walk around the side of my car, and there is the nozzle for the gas pump, still attached to five feet of hose and a large metal connecting piece that had been trailing behind me leaving sparks for the past half an hour. I stare in disbelief for a moment while the driver of the rig approached me. He’d been trying to get my attention for the entire time, and was checking to make sure I was okay. I assured him that I was fine, just pretty severely deficient in the brains department. He left.

After the initial “I am the most retarded person in the world, what do I do now?” thoughts, I managed to regain a clear thought process: Call the highway patrol. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “Hi. I got gas roughly half an hour ago, and forgot to take the pump out of my car.”
Dispatcher: “Yes, we have had about 29 calls about you.”
Me: “Oh yeah? Well, what do I do?”
Dispatcher: “Pull over and wait for an officer. We’ll send someone to meet you.”
Me: “Okay. Just anywhere?”
Dispatcher: “Yes ma’am. Which exit are you at?”
Me: “Exit 280.”
Dispatcher: “Pull off there and wait.”
Me: “Like, on the off ramp?”
Dispatcher: “Yes ma’am.”
Me: “Really?”
Dispatcher: “Yes ma’am.”
Me: “Fine. Thanks.”

A couple minutes later, a cop pulls up behind me. I open my door. Dog makes a run for it. This time, I catch him mid-jump and toss him up onto my hip, holding him like a small child. Barefoot again. In sweats so large I could fit three of me in them. On the off ramp. At 9pm. Because I stole part of a gas pump. I wait for him to approach me.

Cute cop: “Evenin’”
Me: “Um, hi.”
Cute cop: “So you still got the hose?”
Me: “Yessir, I do.” I pop the trunk, where the hose lay coiled. We stared at it for a minute. I think it’s a safe bet that he’d never driven off with a gas pump attached to his car.
Cute cop: “Well, I reckon they want their nozzle back.”
Me: “Right now?”
Cute cop: “Well yes ma’am. I think that would be the right thing to do.”
Me: “Yessir. I don’t know where I took it from.”
Cute cop: “Do you have a receipt?”
Me: “No sir.” I still had the freakin’ pump attached to my car. I most definitely did not acquire a receipt in that transaction.
Cute cop: “Do you remember the exit?”
Me: “No sir.”
Cute cop: “Town?”
Me: “No sir.”
Cute cop: “Anything?”
Me: “Um well I think it was east of Mt. Juliet. And I smelled BBQ.”
Cute cop: “That’s (so-and-so’s). Watertown, exit 238.”
Me: “Okay. So what happens?”
Cute cop: “Well, I reckon they’ll just be glad that you’re not hurt and they got their pump back. There’s not too much damage to the nozzle. No harm no foul, right?”
Me: (blank stare)
Cute cop: “Well, they’ll be waitin’ for you.”

I returned the nozzle. To the gas station where I’d already run around barefoot in my pajamas after a very fast orange dog then driven off still attached to their gas pump. They didn’t want any money. There was no damage to the rental car. Just my ego.

"No really, the kitchen is on fire..."

2008-02-28T21:41:00.002-06:00

Sunday night. The roomies and I are home hanging out. D has decided to play a game.

D: "Hey you wanna play Clue?"

Me: "Yeah sure."

M: (from the kitchen) "The kitchen is on fire. No really, it's on fire."

I head over there to analyze the situation. Sure enough, there are flames shooting out from under the burner. I grab a wet towel and start beating it.

M: "Do we have a fire extinguisher??"

Me :"I would assume so. Get the extinguisher!"

D is actually together and runs outside to get the extinguisher. At this point, both alarms have gone off, the dogs are stressed out, and Zeke is barooing in the hallway. I take the extinguisher from D and rip the pin out, ready to open it up on the stove. I realize that it's dying down, delay for a second, and blow out the last little flicker of fire.

The alarms have not stopped. D pulls the first one off the ceiling and rips out the battery, silencing it. The other one has not shut up, and none of us can get it off the ceiling. Finally, someone manages to get it down and silence it.

Suddenly it's quiet. The window has been opened to rid the apartment of smoke and the smell of burning cookware.

M: "Now that's teamwork girls."

Then we played Clue.

You Know You're A Redneck When...

2008-02-20T14:55:00.006-06:00

So, this year for Christmas, we decided to buy a real tree. We bought a pretty standard 5 ft tree, which stayed up through about the second week of January. At that point, it was time to take down the tree. I boxed up all the ornaments, the lights, etc... and was left with a naked pine tree in my living room. So, naturally, I set it on the porch to "deal with it later".

Long story short, it was an out of sight, out of mind situation. Fast forward to last week. M goes down to pick up a package, and the lady at the office states the obvious "We're really gonna need you guys to take care of that tree." Mind you, it has been roughly a month. The tree has started turning brown, and has sufficiently dried out, only giving me ideas of bon fires and roasting marshmallows. So there it sits, waiting for a mode of transportation to a fire pit so we can burn it up.

We toss around ideas of how to make the tree go away. None of us have a truck, or devices to secure it to the roof of a car. So, we wait another week. The other day I came home to this note on the door:

Dear Residents:

Please remove the tree from your patio immediately. Per your lease agreement, balconies and patios shall be kept neat and clean at all times. No rugs, towels, laundry, clothing, or other items (read: trees) shall be hung or draped (or stood in a tree stand...) on railings or other portions of balconies or patios.

We ask that you conform to this policy to make our community a safe and attractive one for the enjoyment of all residents.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this situation.

Sincerely,
Assistant Community Director

In short, get the freaking tree off your porch, you rednecks. You live in one of the wealthiest counties in the country and you make us look bad. Point taken, Assistant Community Director. Michelle has at this point taken hold of the situation and enlisted her boyfriend's help. He arrives with two ropes and I provide a blanket to preserve the paint on the roof of his car (which he shuns). He tosses a dried out, brown pine tree onto the roof of his car, and secures the ropes to the inside of the car, effectively securing the doors shut as well. We ride to the convenience center, which is roughly 4 miles away, through one lane underpasses and all. The tree, meanwhile, is sliding down the back windshield, at an angle that ensures the tree is vertical on top of the car.

We finally arrive, and M and I are nothing short of amazed that the tree has managed to stay attached. The old man manning the entrance to the convenience center gave us dirty looks. Of course he did. Three 20-somethings with New York tags are hauling a very dead tree, vertically on top of their car. M goes to open her door, realizing that Shawn has fastened her into the car with a rope. Shawn rolls the window down, crawls out of it, and unfastens the tree. Mission accomplished. All is well with the world.

Or at least, our patio is free of Christmas trees.

Second Civil War?

2008-02-13T08:25:00.000-06:00

It has nothing to do with slavery. Obviously if slavery were the issue, both Georgia and Tennessee would want many slaves, forever. Instead, the Georgia legislature is considering a resolution to annex an extra mile on its border with Tennessee. The proposal has elicited “tongue-in-cheek saber rattling from Tennessee lawmakers,” who enjoy war. But leave fun to the liberals; this thing has some serious consequences: “If the border is redrawn, the new state line would fall across Nickajack Reservoir. That would allow parched Georgians to tap into the waters of the dammed Tennessee River.” If Georgia can’t annex part of Tennessee, everyone in Georgia will die.

As far as old people on the border are concerned, the bill is very much screwing over old people on the border:

[Tennessee resident Joel J.] Kyle, 69, said he has no desire to be annexed by Georgia, which he gladly departed because of its taxes, and hopes the idea is “just a pipe dream.” “If it ever came to that, I would probably move,” he said. “I’ve got seven acres here, and we’re set up pretty well, but I wouldn’t ever want to be in the state of Georgia again, to be honest with you.”
Amen. Who would want to live in Georgia? Isn’t that the state where they used to send England’s prisoners? And the tax fairies… Christ, the tax fairies!

Also, Tennesseeans can deal. It’s not their land anyway. Jesus gave this mile, and all its Jesus Water, to the Georgians many, many years ago. Like 200 years ago, when he was a carpenter’s apprentice:

The resolution, which has passed early hurdles but has not received final passage, claims that the boundary was erroneously surveyed in 1818 and that Georgia has never accepted it. The resolution calls for the creation of a “Georgia-Tennessee Boundary Line Commission” that would perform joint surveys and change the line to the “definite and true” boundary line: exactly following the 35th parallel. “We’re not talking about sucking it dry,” said Rep. Harry Geisinger, a Republican who sponsored the resolution in the Georgia House. “We’re talking about augmenting some water needs, and as you know, the Tennessee has got plenty of water in it.”
Legislators in Tennessee, however, are taking the issue of their land very seriously:

State Sen. Andy Berke, a Chattanooga Democrat, took the Senate floor and jokingly proposed a winner-take-all wrestling match or football game.

Banging on cars... for Rachel.

2008-02-11T20:00:00.000-06:00

I usually hate Carrie Underwood when she's onstage, but I'm not gonna lie, the Before He Cheats performance from the Grammy's is pretty freakin' cool.

Iraq Withdrawal Date: 12,008.

2008-02-11T14:54:00.000-06:00

Wait, we don't care? For real?

Tina Turner.

2008-02-11T13:56:00.000-06:00

This made my morning.

PS, she's 68.

It's the little things....

2008-01-28T13:49:00.000-06:00

So anyone in Nashville knows how ridiculously cold it's been this month. A few nights ago, it was raining, and when I parked for the night I forgot to turn off my wipers. So of course, the next morning, I run out to the car. It's like, -17 or something, and the dew and rain from the night before have given my car a fun little ice coat. So I turn the car on, and in addition to all the fun little sounds my car usually makes when it's cold out, I hear a horrible scrape on my windshield. Basically, my windshield wiper had frozen and busted off and flown off onto the sidewalk. Now I'm reasonably used to things falling off of my car, exploding, snapping, etc, so it didn't really freak me out too much. I just threw it in my passenger seat and went about my business.

Now this weekend, it stayed dry. Yay God. This morning, however, I leave my apartment and see an unnerving amount of gray in the sky. So I go to the Shel service station today between classes to get my wiper fixed. I'd put it off, because if any of you know me at all, you're probably aware of my luck with cars. Pretty much, I break them and it's really expensive. So I had basically convinced myself that I was going to have to track down an entire wiper assembly for my 16 year old monstrosity of a vehicle. But anyway, cute old Shell guy sends me to O'Reilly to buy the part that I managed to break. This is my favorite part of this story. It cost me $1.63.

Yes, one dollar and sixty three cents. When has that ever happened to me? Pretty much NEVER. So yes, this was a great start to my week... life is good.

Wonder.

2008-01-16T09:09:00.000-06:00

So I got an anonymous message from someone yesterday (I don't know who...) but it said this:

"There are more beautiful things about you than you think, you rarely give yourself enough credit. You should also wait quite a few more years before growing cynical. Permit yourself to regard the world with wonder now and again."

It made me think a lot. At first, it made me a little angry - because, naturally, I skip over the wonderful compliment and get defensive. Maybe because on some level I'm afraid of being cynical, and I hate that about me. It's so easy to let my hectic, stressful life take over and forget to enjoy things like taking my dog for walks, watching movies with friends, cooking dinners (which I've actually just realized that I haven't done since I got back to Tennessee...), and of course, watching Lifetime before work in the morning.

Most people I know are in similar situations with school, work, and general life. Personally, I work 45+ hours a week and go to school full time. That leaves about 0 hours in a week for anything else. It's not an excuse. Recognizing what makes you happy throughout the course of a day is not time consuming. Because there is always something there that will make you smile - whether it's bumping into someone you haven't seen in a while, taking 5 minutes to call someone you know will be glad to hear from you, or just appreciating that you get to come home to an apartment full of good friends, eat cake and watch a movie in your pajamas... (I said last night when I walked in, going to my place is like coming home to a party every time I walk through the door! And I love it.)

Thank you, whoever you are, for reminding me that seeing God's wonder is not always a matter of making time - it's a matter of paying attention.

Why I'm moving to Raleigh this year...

2008-01-06T18:39:00.001-06:00

http://hypebot.typepad.com/hypebot/2008/01/an-unlucky-13-t.html

1. Music sales continued their decline dropping another 15% or more over 2006. Sales were down 21% in the week before Christmas alone.

2. DRM is dead. Three of the four top label groups (EMI, Universal, and and last week WMG) stopped adding restrictive software to their downloads.

3.Amazon.com opened an all mp3 store where every track is playable on any brand of player and can be burned to a CD.

4. Amazon also rejected iTune's 99 cent/$9.99 pricing structure cutting them by 10%.

5. Social networking gained traction as a viral marketing media. Facebook's open platform and Google's Open Social promised to make SN even more marketer friendly in 2008.

6. Widgets were everywhere bringing music discovery and purchase to where ever fans are online.

7. Ringtone sales faltered, but music still went mobile. The release of the iPhone forced other phone makers to add more music features to all cell phones.

8. The competition among portable players finally heated up. iPods got cheaper with some models getting bigger hard drives. Microsofts' Zune gained traction as an iPod alternative.
The competition among portable players finally heated up. iPods got cheaper with some models getting bigger hard drives.

9. Microsofts' Zune gained traction as an iPod alternative. Internet radio had an uncertain year with ongoing royalty rate battles. Despite that 2007 saw the rise of personalized net radio. Pandora and Last.fm gained big audiences and others like Slacker launched.

10. A growing number of established artists including Radiohead, Madonna, The Eagles and Prince found new ways to release their music without traditional labels.

11. The RIAA continued its legal actions against fans who trade music on the net particularly targeting colleges. Despite these efforts Bit torrent and Limewire usage grew.

12. More record stores closed, but some great local retailers remained strong.

13. Overall concert revenues declined 20%. Are fans tired of high ticket prices and a mediocre concert experience?
Concert giant Live Nation fired Ticketmaster (known for high ticketing fees) and promised its own ticketing system by Jan 1st 2009.

Why I Love YouTube.

2008-01-04T12:29:00.002-06:00

Tell me this doesn't make you smile. I envy people who can let go and dance like that.

Guilt.

2008-01-01T16:03:00.000-06:00

I have spent the greater part of the past 10 years dealing with guilt. The whole grace thing eluded me for a long time, and while I feel like I am forgiven, the concept of being wiped clean in God's eyes will always be something that I have a hard time grasping. It doesn't matter how severe the guilt is, I have a tendency to let it swallow me whole. It eats at me and I end up blaming myself for things that I know on a rational level are not my fault.

Today that vicious cycle that dominated my high school life slapped me in the face again. It hurts just as much now as it did when I was 16, and the source is pretty much the same. I don't know what it is about certain people in your life, but I know that I'm not the only one who has someone like this... that person that just gets under your skin and knows what hurts you most. The person that knows exactly which buttons to push to destroy the hard-won confidence and self-esteem that seems harder and harder to come by, and not only that, but can make you believe that it's your fault.

It never stops hurting. And I'm still waiting for the day when it hurts less.

My trip.

2008-01-01T09:30:00.001-06:00

So I pretty much got to see everyone I needed to see. Not everyone, of course, because that never happens, there are always a few people that I just can't seem to get together with. But this was so good. I am reminded every time I come back here that this is where my heart is. This is where my "family" is (biological and otherwise...), and it's hard for me to fathom wanting to be anywhere else at this point in my life. I need to finish up Belmont and get back here and start on the rest of my life. I'm newly motivated, and so rejuvenated by my time here. I don't want to leave tomorrow.

I get to get back to Belmont, start in on a new job, and buckle down for 8 more months. Then I'm done with college forever, and can FINALLY be on to next. Lately I have been struggling with feeling left behind by my friends. So many are moving on to the next chapter of their lives and I'm stuck in school, struggling to get by, taking any job I can. When I put it in perspective, I realize that I have had much more to do to survive than the average college student, and that it's okay that I have had to take time off every now and then. In the grand scheme of things, graduating at 24 is not a big deal. I always thought I'd be 22 like everyone else, but I also didn't plan on working full time and interning my entire way through college either. Such is life.

Life is good now. I'm ready to wrap up this chapter of my life. I love Nashville. My years there have been great. I wouldn't trade them for anything. But I don't think I belong there long term. I will miss my life there a lot, no question. But my life is here, and I don't see myself being anywhere else.

Home.

2007-12-27T20:46:00.001-06:00

It's a strange year. My friends here have blurred the family line to a point that makes it seem silly to even try and distinguish. Friends are the family you choose, right? I'm sitting here on a friend's couch, and this couch is so much more familiar than my mother's couch at this point. I have a key here - I don't have a key to my mother's. So is this home? Is this town home? The state?

Or is home people?

I guess it doesn't really matter enough to spend time defining it. Home, in my world, has become where ever I am loved and cared for, and a place where I don't have to keep my guard up. Right now, that is this house. Is this a permanent home? Obviously not - I don't live here. Is it necessary to have a permanent "home" - a building to go back to that you're always welcome? Obviously not, because I haven't had one for a while. To me, home is people. Yes, in a larger sense it's this town, but this town is nothing but a maze of streets and buildings that are brought to life by the people in it... without them, it would mean nothing.

Without them, home is nothing.

Christmastime.

2007-12-19T18:55:00.001-06:00

What a weird year. For the first time in a long time I'm not going to Pennsylvania. Am I okay with this?

Yeah, pretty sure it's fine.

I just get so stressed out this time of year. I only have one part time job right now, and am honestly not sure how I'm going to afford to go home in two days. I am not sure when Christmas turned into a big ball of stress and money problems for me... but I know I'm not the only one in this situation.

The focus just seems so wrong to me. Instead of focusing on friends and family and Jesus, I'm focused on my bank account. What a stressful way to live.

My family is not exchanging gifts this year, and I can't say that I'm disappointed. It will be nice to spend time together and not focus on who got what for who.

This is also the first year I have had to split my time between both parents. I'm definitely not excited about it. My dad's new "family" is nothing but a bunch of strangers to me. I don't know them, and it's going to be weird spending part of my holiday with them. However, he is my dad, and I've just got to try and salvage what little relationship I do have with him - and try really hard to get through it with patience.

On that note, where do you draw the line between including someone in your family and keeping distance? My dad has been dating Jonnie for a year and a half. They live together. But I don't really know her. The extent of my knowledge is pretty much that she was the girl my dad cheated on my mom with. I don't have any reason to like her, and on some levels I feel lik I'm doing pretty well speaking to my dad at this point.

Becca will be coming to visit while I'm there, and I'm definitely pretty pumped about it. I haven't seen her since Nov. 14th and I miss her like crazy! It will be great to spend time with her and all my other friends there.

From Ben Stein:

2007-12-12T11:36:00.001-06:00

I know this is a few years old now, but I stumbled across it again. So well written.

"My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a church, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.
And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards.

Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein"

Elf yourself.

2007-12-10T22:56:00.001-06:00

Betcha didn't know we could do this.

Amnesty International PSA.

2007-12-10T20:09:00.001-06:00

New Amnesty International PSA I borrowed from my roommate's blog.

Very bold.

Who's On First?

2007-12-10T16:34:00.000-06:00

Tribute to Abbott and Costello:

Priceless.

Purity.

2007-12-10T12:22:00.001-06:00

from the Feministing blog:

Now, I know I've been accused of being anti-abstinence so I want to make something clear: I'm all for abstaining if that's what a gal wants to do. Obviously. But if young women are not having sex because they think they'll be damaged goods, dirty, and "blemished" otherwise--well, then that's pretty f***ing problematic.

As is purity proponents calling themselves counterculture and revolutionary. The pop culture image of women and sexuality is gross, and it is likely to have girls seeking an alternative. But an alternative that judges women just as much (if not more) on their sexuality isn't really an option. A real rebellion would be teaching young women that their sexuality is their own, and that their ability to be a moral person is based on their compassion, kindness, ethics and judgment--not their hymen.

Wow. So call me naive, but the choice I made to abstain was because I wanted to stay pure in God's eyes. It has nothing to do with other people's judgement, or that I'd be "damaged goods" in the eyes of anyone else. What anyone else says doesn't matter - this isn't a decision I made for them. It's not a guilt-ridden decision.

Yes, it is counterculture. There's no way around that. Being nearly 24 years old, I know very few people who have made the decision that I have. I'm proud of it. And I'm proud of my friends that make that decision as well - because everything else in our world tells us not to. It's not a judgement thing, it's a safety thing, a spiritual thing... a choice thing.

Church Shooting in Colorado

2007-12-10T11:28:00.001-06:00

From the LA Times:

"FOUR people have been killed and six others wounded in shooting sprees at a missionary school and a church that authorities said appeared to be related.

The gunman in the second incident was killed by a church security guard.

The first shooting occurred about 12.30am on Sunday, when a man wearing a dark coat and a beanie entered the Youth With a Mission dormitory in the Denver suburb of Arvada.

Witnesses said the gunman spoke to several staff members, asking to spend the night. After a 30-minute discussion grew heated, he was turned away. When a staff member asked for help from others to usher him out, he drew a handgun, shot dead a woman and a man and wounded two other staff members.

He fled on foot. As ambulances rushed the wounded away, heavily armed police with dogs searched the snow-covered ground of surrounding neighbourhoods while residents locked their doors and windows. But no trace of the man was found in the area.

More than 12 hours later, a gunman opened fire in the car park of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs. He fatally shot one churchgoer who was in a car and wounded four others. When he tried to enter the crowded church, he was gunned down by a security guard.

A witness said the gunman apparently used a smoke grenade and authorities were investigating the possibility that he may have left several explosives behind. Officials said 7000 people were on the New Life Church grounds at the time of the shooting.

Arvada Police Chief Don Wick said at a news conference on Sunday night that the two shootings could be connected but he did not elaborate. New Life had increased security after hearing of the Arvada shooting, but officials did not say whether church guards normally were armed.

The Youth With a Mission school trains about 300 missionaries a year and is part of an international chain of missionary academies.

After the shooting in Arvada, police searched the area with dogs and checked for footprints in the freshly fallen snow. They warned residents to be on the lookout for the gunman.

Hours later, services began at the Faith Hope Chapel, which houses the missionary school. Christian soft rock piped over loudspeakers in the car park while police cruisers kept watch. Yellow crime-scene tape cordoned off the two-storey school dormitory hundreds of metres away."

Unreal.

Ramblings.

2007-12-10T09:44:00.001-06:00

Lots of stuff is going through my head lately. Maybe because I just have a lot more time to think than I usually do, maybe because I am slowly changing. Maybe because there is legitimately an exceptional number of things to think about.

I have always heard the old saying that children spell love t-i-m-e. I think that's true of everyone. No one likes to be neglected or made to feel that they're taking a back seat to anything in the life of someone they love. Life happens, and difficult times are inevitable. The past year has taught me a lot about how seemingly small decisions have large consequences, and that how I spend my time tells the people in my life what is most important to me. Forgetting a phone call or lunch date happens. Things come up. But when they do, it tells the other person that they were not what was important to you at that moment, and that can hurt. At least acknowledge that, and don't pretend that forgetting things and not making time is completely innocent, because it isn't.

I have a serious love/hate relationship with change. A big part of me thrives on the excitement of new people, new things, and new opportunities. But as I get older, I find myself craving stability in relationships, work, my family, etc. I am confident in the knowledge that the only constant I will ever truly have in life is the fact that God loves me. The tricky thing about that is that I don't always choose to let Him love me.

I'm not really good at letting go of things. And by things, I mean people. Relationships change, families change, people change, our circumstances change, and sometimes people are in our lives only for a season. And when the season changes, a hole is left in your heart where that person used to be. Sometimes those holes are hard to fill. If it is a parent (father), it is impossible.

I'm terrified and excited about what the next year holds. There are new people in my life that I hope to develop stronger relationships with. I am going to graduate this year, come hell or high water, and I cannot wait to see what God's got in store for me on the other side of my Belmont years, but I've also realized that my life is not on hold until I get that piece of paper. I'm living my life right now, and one year spent "waiting" is one year I will be missing later on.

I am finally happy with myself and my life. It is far from perfect, but I love people and have people that love me. Thank you for being one of them.