Thursday, January 21, 2010

Peace amidst the chaos...

The life I have is not one that I ever expected or anticipated or necessarily wanted. This was not what I ever imagined myself doing. I am young, but I already look back at places I have been, things I have done, and people I have met and know that I couldn't have traded it for anything. I am ridiculously blessed.

I am currently 26 years old. I thought that by now I would be married with babies, living somewhere in North Carolina and playing guitar at church on weekends. Instead, I am mostly alone in Washington, DC, working at a job that I love in a city that I usually hate, in some sort of weird bliss/misery cycle that I have yet to figure out. Probably because I really don't want to figure it out.

I love what I do. I don't understand it. Most days I feel like my job should not exist, but I know without a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be right now. Nothing has ever been this clear to me. For whatever reason, God wants me in Washington, in this job, at this time, which is both thrilling and terrifying. Being where God wants me brings a kind of peace amidst the chaos that is only possible through Him.

DC is an incredibly lonely place. Even though I am around so many people - more than I have ever been around before - I am aware that I am alone. I am also painfully aware that I am growing in ways that I could not have if I had the security of home and the safety net that is my friends.

The opportunity to be by myself is one of those blessings that I don't want. I have been loved. I have been secure. Whenever I needed an escape, prayer, a place to sleep, or a kick in the butt, there have been people ready to pick up the pieces. I am eternally grateful, and amazed at how much they love me, even when I suck. I am even more humbled that it is still only a fraction of how much He loves me.

While I know that nothing has changed regarding the people I count on, and I still frequently hide out on respective couches and cry over kitchen tables, this is the first chance I have had to truly fall on my face. I have been forced to rely on God for things I sometimes don't even know I need. Truthfully, it's that scariest thing I have ever done, and I did it so fast I didn't even process everything. Maybe that was God's way of making sure I didn't run away screaming. It didn't take me too long to figure out what I had gotten myself into. It's odd that at a time when I have more public support, more work-related respect, and more affirmation than I have ever had I would feel the most vulnerable. The truth is that I have never felt more under attack spiritually than I have for the past few months, and it's scary to be away. When it started to hurt, I immediately found myself back where I was 7 years ago, and handling things my way... Which is rarely the best way.

It is hard not to resent my past. I look back at who I was ten years ago and instead of appreciating how far I have come, I loathe the part of me that is still her. It's hard to keep that in perspective.

So my prayer is for peace. For perspective. For strength. That I can appreciate what He has made me to be. That I am able to look at myself and see how far I have come and not how far I have to go.

I know this is a time for growth, and rarely does comfort beget spiritual maturity. So here goes nothing.

Thanks for putting up with me when I'm messy. I love you all.