"No really, the kitchen is on fire..."

Sunday night.  The roomies and I are home hanging out.  D has decided to play a game.  

D: "Hey you wanna play Clue?"

Me:  "Yeah sure."

M: (from the kitchen) "The kitchen is on fire.  No really, it's on fire."

I head over there to analyze the situation.  Sure enough, there are flames shooting out from under the burner.  I grab a wet towel and start beating it.

M: "Do we have a fire extinguisher??"

Me :"I would assume so. Get the extinguisher!"

D is actually together and runs outside to get the extinguisher.  At this point, both alarms have gone off, the dogs are stressed out, and Zeke is barooing in the hallway.  I take the extinguisher from D and rip the pin out, ready to open it up on the stove.  I realize that it's dying down, delay for a second, and blow out the last little flicker of fire.

The alarms have not stopped.  D pulls the first one off the ceiling and rips out the battery, silencing it.  The other one has not shut up, and none of us can get it off the ceiling.  Finally, someone manages to get it down and silence it.  

Suddenly it's quiet.  The window has been opened to rid the apartment of smoke and the smell of burning cookware.

M: "Now that's teamwork girls."

Then we played Clue.

You Know You're A Redneck When...

So, this year for Christmas, we decided to buy a real tree. We bought a pretty standard 5 ft tree, which stayed up through about the second week of January. At that point, it was time to take down the tree. I boxed up all the ornaments, the lights, etc... and was left with a naked pine tree in my living room. So, naturally, I set it on the porch to "deal with it later".

Long story short, it was an out of sight, out of mind situation. Fast forward to last week. M goes down to pick up a package, and the lady at the office states the obvious "We're really gonna need you guys to take care of that tree." Mind you, it has been roughly a month. The tree has started turning brown, and has sufficiently dried out, only giving me ideas of bon fires and roasting marshmallows. So there it sits, waiting for a mode of transportation to a fire pit so we can burn it up.

We toss around ideas of how to make the tree go away. None of us have a truck, or devices to secure it to the roof of a car. So, we wait another week. The other day I came home to this note on the door:

Dear Residents:

Please remove the tree from your patio immediately. Per your lease agreement, balconies and patios shall be kept neat and clean at all times. No rugs, towels, laundry, clothing, or other items (read: trees) shall be hung or draped (or stood in a tree stand...) on railings or other portions of balconies or patios.

We ask that you conform to this policy to make our community a safe and attractive one for the enjoyment of all residents.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this situation.

Sincerely,
Assistant Community Director

In short, get the freaking tree off your porch, you rednecks. You live in one of the wealthiest counties in the country and you make us look bad. Point taken, Assistant Community Director. Michelle has at this point taken hold of the situation and enlisted her boyfriend's help. He arrives with two ropes and I provide a blanket to preserve the paint on the roof of his car (which he shuns). He tosses a dried out, brown pine tree onto the roof of his car, and secures the ropes to the inside of the car, effectively securing the doors shut as well. We ride to the convenience center, which is roughly 4 miles away, through one lane underpasses and all. The tree, meanwhile, is sliding down the back windshield, at an angle that ensures the tree is vertical on top of the car.

We finally arrive, and M and I are nothing short of amazed that the tree has managed to stay attached. The old man manning the entrance to the convenience center gave us dirty looks. Of course he did. Three 20-somethings with New York tags are hauling a very dead tree, vertically on top of their car. M goes to open her door, realizing that Shawn has fastened her into the car with a rope. Shawn rolls the window down, crawls out of it, and unfastens the tree. Mission accomplished. All is well with the world.

Or at least, our patio is free of Christmas trees.

Second Civil War?

It has nothing to do with slavery. Obviously if slavery were the issue, both Georgia and Tennessee would want many slaves, forever. Instead, the Georgia legislature is considering a resolution to annex an extra mile on its border with Tennessee. The proposal has elicited “tongue-in-cheek saber rattling from Tennessee lawmakers,” who enjoy war. But leave fun to the liberals; this thing has some serious consequences: “If the border is redrawn, the new state line would fall across Nickajack Reservoir. That would allow parched Georgians to tap into the waters of the dammed Tennessee River.” If Georgia can’t annex part of Tennessee, everyone in Georgia will die.

As far as old people on the border are concerned, the bill is very much screwing over old people on the border:

[Tennessee resident Joel J.] Kyle, 69, said he has no desire to be annexed by Georgia, which he gladly departed because of its taxes, and hopes the idea is “just a pipe dream.” “If it ever came to that, I would probably move,” he said. “I’ve got seven acres here, and we’re set up pretty well, but I wouldn’t ever want to be in the state of Georgia again, to be honest with you.”
Amen. Who would want to live in Georgia? Isn’t that the state where they used to send England’s prisoners? And the tax fairies… Christ, the tax fairies!

Also, Tennesseeans can deal. It’s not their land anyway. Jesus gave this mile, and all its Jesus Water, to the Georgians many, many years ago. Like 200 years ago, when he was a carpenter’s apprentice:

The resolution, which has passed early hurdles but has not received final passage, claims that the boundary was erroneously surveyed in 1818 and that Georgia has never accepted it. The resolution calls for the creation of a “Georgia-Tennessee Boundary Line Commission” that would perform joint surveys and change the line to the “definite and true” boundary line: exactly following the 35th parallel. “We’re not talking about sucking it dry,” said Rep. Harry Geisinger, a Republican who sponsored the resolution in the Georgia House. “We’re talking about augmenting some water needs, and as you know, the Tennessee has got plenty of water in it.”
Legislators in Tennessee, however, are taking the issue of their land very seriously:

State Sen. Andy Berke, a Chattanooga Democrat, took the Senate floor and jokingly proposed a winner-take-all wrestling match or football game.

Banging on cars... for Rachel.

I usually hate Carrie Underwood when she's onstage, but I'm not gonna lie, the Before He Cheats performance from the Grammy's is pretty freakin' cool.

Iraq Withdrawal Date: 12,008.

Wait, we don't care? For real?

Tina Turner.

This made my morning.



PS, she's 68.