Expectations

So I'm in Miami.

It was a fun flight. I'm traveling with close friends. We encountered Apnea Man:



Seriously, I had to double check and see if the sound coming from this guy's nose was actual snoring or a plane malfunction.

And Intimate Couple also joined us. That couple who made out the entire trip. You know those people, and you dislike them as much as I do. Don't lie.

Mr. Bill has come along for the trip as well. And no, I had no idea who he was until I was subjected to a reenactment of the old SNL sketch during the flight. He flew across the plane a few times at inappropriate times, before I kidnapped him and buried him in my carry on.




Our flight for Port au Prince, Haiti leaves in about 8 hours, and I'm in a hotel room waiting. And waiting. I feel like I've been waiting for days to get to Jacmel. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I understand what I'm getting into as well as I possibly can. I have a rough idea of what I'll be doing - tomorrow is the walk through of the city. Tuesday we'll be handing out water filtration devices and going to the refugee camp. At some point we'll be effectively babysitting for a day and taking the kids to the beach so the house parents, Gwenn and Nick Mangine, can have a day off. We'll be going to the orphanage to hold babies, change diapers, and love on kids.

This trip is as much to test the waters for teams in coming months as it is anything else, so we're feeling our way through it. The Port au Prince airport has just reopened. We won't be driving the three hours through the mountains to get to Jacmel like they did prior to the quake - we'll be catching a 15 minute MAF flight and heading in that way.

I've heard that there are tents all around the street. There are people right outside the fence that surrounds the house all the time. My nervousness comes not from getting hurt or getting sick. I know what the risks are. My family has been panicky... I know I'll be okay. I'm concerned about handling the women that want to hand me their children so I can take them back. About having answers for the people who beg me to help them become refugees in the US.

I pray for the right words. I am as ready as I can be, knowing that I can never really be ready. We're not exactly sure what we're going in to - none of us here have been there since January 12th.

I'm off to get some sleep before waking up at 4:30am to catch the plane. I'll update as possible, depending on the internet situation.

Meanwhile, read this.

In spite of myself.

This Haiti trip came up pretty quickly. And by that I mean I had about two weeks to raise money, get a passport, get my shots, and other little things... and the first week I was involved in an all consuming conference for work. Stress levels were high.

By this week, everything had come together but my passport. I called last week and the first available appointment was Thursday at 9am. The plan was for me to head south on Friday - so... that left a day.

On Thursday morning, I got up early and went to the office to finish up the paperwork before my appointment. After triple checking everything, I get over to Walgreens to get the passport photo, thinking I'd get the picture taken and then head over to the passport office right afterward. So at 8:30am, I go to pay and realize that my wallet - which naturally has my driver's license in it - is back at my office. Because... this is me. I lose stuff. After a small panic, I bribed a cabby to rush me back to the office, wait for me while I get my wallet, and rush me back to the passport office. Just to clarify - this is DC. Getting ANYWHERE in 30 minutes is a feat at that time of morning.

Amazingly enough, I managed to be back in time for my appointment. And was astounded to find that the passport would be ready the SAME DAY. Pretty incredible.

Tomorrow, we will spend the night in Miami before flying in to Port au Prince on Monday morning. From there, we'll hop on a little 18 seat plane and wind up in Jacmel.

As I write this, I am sitting in North Carolina. The money has come in. I've been vaccinated. I've got my paperwork. The bags are packed. I have time to get nervous, but I'm not. I know that this is bigger than me - I'm just along for the ride. And an incredible ride it will be.

I will be updating (hopefully) daily while on the trip. Feel free to follow along or pass the links around. Thanks so much to those of you that helped make this happen. God is good.

Peace amidst the chaos...

The life I have is not one that I ever expected or anticipated or necessarily wanted. This was not what I ever imagined myself doing. I am young, but I already look back at places I have been, things I have done, and people I have met and know that I couldn't have traded it for anything. I am ridiculously blessed.

I am currently 26 years old. I thought that by now I would be married with babies, living somewhere in North Carolina and playing guitar at church on weekends. Instead, I am mostly alone in Washington, DC, working at a job that I love in a city that I usually hate, in some sort of weird bliss/misery cycle that I have yet to figure out. Probably because I really don't want to figure it out.

I love what I do. I don't understand it. Most days I feel like my job should not exist, but I know without a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be right now. Nothing has ever been this clear to me. For whatever reason, God wants me in Washington, in this job, at this time, which is both thrilling and terrifying. Being where God wants me brings a kind of peace amidst the chaos that is only possible through Him.

DC is an incredibly lonely place. Even though I am around so many people - more than I have ever been around before - I am aware that I am alone. I am also painfully aware that I am growing in ways that I could not have if I had the security of home and the safety net that is my friends.

The opportunity to be by myself is one of those blessings that I don't want. I have been loved. I have been secure. Whenever I needed an escape, prayer, a place to sleep, or a kick in the butt, there have been people ready to pick up the pieces. I am eternally grateful, and amazed at how much they love me, even when I suck. I am even more humbled that it is still only a fraction of how much He loves me.

While I know that nothing has changed regarding the people I count on, and I still frequently hide out on respective couches and cry over kitchen tables, this is the first chance I have had to truly fall on my face. I have been forced to rely on God for things I sometimes don't even know I need. Truthfully, it's that scariest thing I have ever done, and I did it so fast I didn't even process everything. Maybe that was God's way of making sure I didn't run away screaming. It didn't take me too long to figure out what I had gotten myself into. It's odd that at a time when I have more public support, more work-related respect, and more affirmation than I have ever had I would feel the most vulnerable. The truth is that I have never felt more under attack spiritually than I have for the past few months, and it's scary to be away. When it started to hurt, I immediately found myself back where I was 7 years ago, and handling things my way... Which is rarely the best way.

It is hard not to resent my past. I look back at who I was ten years ago and instead of appreciating how far I have come, I loathe the part of me that is still her. It's hard to keep that in perspective.

So my prayer is for peace. For perspective. For strength. That I can appreciate what He has made me to be. That I am able to look at myself and see how far I have come and not how far I have to go.

I know this is a time for growth, and rarely does comfort beget spiritual maturity. So here goes nothing.

Thanks for putting up with me when I'm messy. I love you all.

I Never Write On Here Anymore...

I write constantly. I really do. However, it seems like I've gotten to a point where I write for everyone else. I've stopped writing for myself. Which, really, is what this is. Sorry, but I just don't care that much who reads it.

My other writing is starting to take off. I'm doing radio shows. I'm working. I'm churching. I'm moving. I'm in weddings. In short, my new Blackberry has been put to very good use the past couple months. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm happy.

Amazing, right? It's funny how I was so busy I couldn't see straight for 5 years while I was getting myself through college, and all I could think about was not being so busy when I got out. I guess the difference is what I'm actually busy with. I'm busy with the RIGHT things this time. I'm spending time with my favorite people. I'm playing my guitar for the first time since I moved to Tennessee. It's good.

I don't miss Nashville - I DO, however, miss my friends. It's weird leaving a period of your life behind so completely. Everything changed at once - my roommates, my house, my job, my location, everything was different. Between August 8th and August 10th every physical part of my life changed. Now that I've adjusted, I'm moving on to yet another chapter - I move again in a couple weeks.

God is good, and my relationship with Him has been solid and constant. It's easy to lose him in the everyday when life swallows you whole. I'm so grateful that my distractions are limited here, that even in the business I somehow manage to regain focus when I need it. I'm grateful for the people I spend my time with, that they're here to keep me on track. That they ask me how I'm doing. That they know what the answer is even when I don't give them the full story.

On that note, I'm off for a much needed night out with friends. It's amazing what can happen over a pizza. :-)

Emotional Barf

The past couple days have been spent almost entirely in isolation. I have been reading, writing, catching up on rest, praying, and generally contemplating things I don't normally spent a lot of time on. Still is one thing I am not. I am working on that.

I finished The Shack this morning. So much has been written about it - I don't want to review it. The discussion about forgiveness and suffering hit me like a ton of bricks in the midst of a painful week in my life. I forget sometimes that forgiveness is a process. It's not something I can do once. It's something I have to remind myself to do over and over again. Eventually, I won't have to remind myself anymore.

Relationship is not necessary a part of forgiveness. I can let go of the bitterness that accompanies past hurts and not be obligated to allow the offender into my life on a regular basis. Right now, I am not equipped to handle it. Proverbs talks about guarding your heart above all else. Right now, that means keeping a distance from certain people in my life.

Some scars I will have forever - visual, blatant reminders of things I'd rather forget most of the time. I am reminded of them every time I look in a mirror. Some have faded, and will continue to do so. Some I will never see, but always feel. Some are still open wounds that need time to heal. Until I allow them to do so, I'm just pouring salt in them and robbing myself of the fulfillment that comes with forgiving those who've hurt me, with giving them grace. I have not healed. I'm not sure I know how, but I'm confident that it's going to require some changes in my daily relationships. Changes I have no idea how to make.

How do you explain to those who have known you since birth that you need them out of your life - even if it's just for a while? It has nothing to do with love. I have never not loved them. If I'm still responding violently to current circumstances because of past hurts, does it make sense to stay in that place? Until I can show them the love and forgiveness I am trying so hard to find, I'm just reopening these wounds and letting them bleed me dry.

I am trying to keep it in perspective and remind myself that forgiveness is a process. It is not something that will always be received. It is first for me, to remove one more barrier between me and God. If that bitterness is in my heart, it's impossible to give and receive love. It spills over into other areas of my life, poisoning other relationships. It will continue to eat away at me until there is nothing left.

That's where I am. I don't know what else to do right now but pray for the sound mind and strength to get through these conversations and the gentility to do it without destroying people I love and damaging relationships irreparably. The latter has not been my strong suit as of late.

I'm Really Jaded.

Yesterday I went to Big Lots to pick up a some furniture. Which is never really a good experience... you know what I'm talking about if you've ever been there. First of all, the store is always in a sketchy part of town. You know, like the part of town that I live in. Second, the people that work there don't really want to be there. Who can blame them? I probably wouldn't want to be there either.

So anyway, I decide I need something, and that I can get a good price on it there. I call (using (800) Goog-411, which you should all use - it's free and better than 411) ahead to make sure they have what I need and get transferred around 4 times. I go in there fully expecting to be ignored. Instead, a man named Anderson had set aside my items for me before I got there, carried them to the front, waited while I paid, and then helped me load everything into my car. I don't think I've been treated so well in ANY store in a long time.

It sort of made me sad that this is what I've come to expect. I don't know when I got so jaded. Why don't I always expect the best of people? Why don't I expect politicians to uphold the law instead of break it? I think people live up to the expectations that you set for them in most cases - and when we set those expectations too low, we won't be disappointed. It applies in so many areas of our life. Why don't we expect huge things from ourselves? From God? From the people in our life? I think we'd be surprised by how many expectations are met.

Epic.

This was so incredible I couldn't NOT post it.

Was Jesus a Socialist?

So anyone that knows me knows where I stand politically - disagree with me or not, it doesn't really matter. And in the grand scheme of things, God has it under control anyway, and I know that he isn't sitting up there stressing, wringing his hands, wondering how it's going to turn out. He already knows. That said, this is not going to be about which candidate I'm voting for.

I've had some interesting questions raised this week about how Jesus would want us to vote for this candidate or that candidate. For starters, God isn't a democrat or republican. There are views on both ends that contradict what I read in the Bible. However, I read a really interesting argument that has had me rethinking everything: Socialism is Biblical.

From Matthew 25:

35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Clearly, Jesus wants us to take care of each other. We are called, as believers, to give of ourselves, to put each others' needs before our own. The communal life of the early church was inherently socialist, giving one's possessions, selling them off in order to contribute to the Church. However, I believe that there is a distinction between communal life between a group of believers and Socialism on a government level.

This may be politically incorrect, but here goes: The underlying premise of Christianity is NOT equality. It is salvation through Jesus. Period. That is not to say that God has favorites; he loves us all equally. But does that mean he means for us all to be completely equal in THIS world? Clearly he didn't, or we wouldn't have such different strengths and weaknesses, experiences and opportunities.

Let's stay in Matthew 25. Jesus tells two stories about a master who goes away for a long time. Who is this master he’s talking about? He is referring to himself, and we are the servants he has left to take care of business in his absence. We are stewards - he has entrusted us with the world.

This parable contains two important truths: The first is that the source of our wealth comes from God. He’s the one who gives. He’s also the one who takes away. The second is that God will give us not what we think we deserve, but what he knows we can handle.

He gave five bags of silver to one, two bags of silver to another, and one bag of silver to the last—dividing it in proportion to their abilities.

The NIV translation says that the master gave 5 talents to one, 2 talents to another, and 1 talent to the last. But what’s a talent? A talent is equal to 75 pounds of silver. The price of silver today is $9.66 per ounce, which is $154.56 per pound. So, to put this story into today’s terms, understand that the first person received 375 pounds of silver amounting to a total of $57,960. The second person received 150 pounds of silver amounting to a total of $23,184. The third person received 75 pounds of silver amounting to $11,592. Jesus said that the master divided the money in proportion to their abilities.

Now those of us who know the story know what happens. The first two doubled the master’s investment in them, which pleases their master.

Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!

The third servant buried what he had and merely returned what he had been given. He harbored resentment toward his master for giving the others more. Clearly, the unequal distribution chafed him a little. The master, however, doesn't redistribute the wealth. He actually takes away the little that the third servant had and gave it to those who were faithful. Sound like socialism? Actually, it's the exact opposite.

God gives to us according to what we can handle. He knows our hearts and our intentions. He didn’t give all the talents all at once. He started out with a little amount and then, when the servants showed that they were faithful to him with a little, He promised to give them even more responsibilities. Even more will be given to those who use well what they are given.

Use well. What does that mean?

If we keep reading, we’ll see Jesus divide those who remain after he leaves into two groups: the goats and the sheep. The sheep will get to be with him in His kingdom, but the goats will be thrown into the lake of fire.

There is a clear mandate, then, that those who will be sheep — the same ones who the Lord just praised for using well the resources he gave them — are to use those resources wisely. They are to feed the hungry, provide for clothing, visit and comfort the sick and the imprisoned. They are to love their neighbors in the course of their lives. No where in this parable does Jesus tell us to pass off this mandate onto the government. All these things are individual acts of love.

The goats are the ones who are like the servant who buried his money in the ground, full of resentment that he didn’t get a bigger share of the pie. But there may be times that we act more like goats than like sheep. Too many of us just pass on by the tenements and the homeless shelters without even a second thought because we know that the single mom is getting formula for her baby through WIC. We don’t concern ourselves much with getting our hands dirty in helping the poor, the sick, and the imprisoned because we figure there’s plenty of governmental assistance. And when we do this…when we rely on our government to do the mandate that Jesus himself gave us…then doesn’t that make us look suspiciously like goats?

So, there's my two cents. Are you a goat, or are you a sheep? I so want to be a sheep!

Why is it colder INSIDE than OUTSIDE?

So clearly the temperature has dropped this week - by a lot. Anyone who knows me knows how much I absolutely LOVE the cold... but I'm not gonna lie, I'm still sort of enjoying it. Don't tell anyone. However, it's gotten cold enough that Sunday night we decided to cut the heat on for the first time.

The roomie turned up the thermostat, and we all went to bed. The next morning, it's roughly 36 degrees in my bedroom. I lay there for 40 minutes, beneath 4 blankets with my dog curled up next to me, absolutely dreading the inevitable. There would be no showering. I pulled on two shirts, a winter coat, jeans, and shoes before even making it out to the kitchen. My roommates were similarly dressed, huddling over the oven. All we needed was a trash can fire and we might have looked like we belonged in our neighborhood...

Clearly, our heat wasn't working. And of course, you never figure that out until you actually NEED the heat. After railing for an entire day aginst the landlord, I get home to find my roommate in the living room, wearing a hat, sweater, and several blankets. She says the landlord came over and explained why the heat wasn't working...

We didn't turn on the gas. Naturally, our heat is gas. After trying hard not to laugh at us, he explained that we needed to call and have them turn it on. Thanks.

Meanwhile, we have to wait at least 48 hours for them to come hook us up. Here's to space heaters and lots of blankets...

George Soros: Owner, Democratic Party.

So, like almost everyone else in America, this bailout makes me want to vomit.  SNL finally got one right... this is brilliant. I would embed it, but it gets yanked from youtube and hulu within minutes every time it's posted.

Banned SNL Bailout Sketch

My favorite moments are at the end.