Sunday, June 22, 2008


The memory is an amazing thing. Somehow, with as much as we put into our brains, as many things as we encounter and process every day, every second of our lives, we are able to clearly recall events, experiences, and people forever. Everyone has moments that they will never forget. Sometimes all it takes is a small reminder. A name, a smell, an emotion, or picture can send you right back to a place or moment. Sometimes, that moment is that last place that you'd ever choose to be. But once something sends you back to that place, it is impossible to ignore. I can't even begin to pretend that I've got this all figured out. What happens when you're back in that place? Where do I go from here? I don't know.

I do know that it hurts, and that these are the moments I would normally choose to run away. I'm getting better about that. Escaping is nothing more than a temporary fix - and it usually hurts worse on the back end. Delaying the healing process comes with it's own set of problems. I don't know what God's got lined up for me, but it's becoming more and more clear that Tennessee isn't in the plan right now, and now that I know that, I want to be done with this chapter. This summer is proving to be agonizing. I think that all He asks is that we do the best we can to hear Him. The listening thing is definitely something I have to work on. I'd rather sit there and discuss things and think and read and come up with ideas than just sit and hear what He's got to say.

So right now, my prayers are for stillness. For quiet, for moments of silence and focus. For direction - clarity. And -ultimately - healing. I know that things will work out. He always sees to that.


Anonymous said...

I've spent the last 4 days repeating Isaiah 41:13 over and over--"For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.' I'm trying my best to focus on the "I am the LORD your God and the "I will help you part" but my natural tendency is to worry, be anxious and afraid that the world is just about to fall apart. But that's usually when He shows up and really makes it known that you matter to Him and He's got it under control.

Mariah said...

I talked with you after I read this post. I still think you are stronger than you know, and you've come so far already. I am so proud of you, so happy for you, and it comforts me to know you're still moving forward.

I do know what you mean about the flashbacks thing. The scent, the image... There are a lot of things that trigger memory, and it's funny (or, really, how NOT funny) how you'll be in the middle of something with a huge grin on your face and an image appears, someone with a certain cologne walks by, someone laughs a certain way that reminds you of something else or someone else... And the moment you're actually IN disappears. This used to happen to me ALL THE TIME. It's slowly fading, and I thank God every day for that, but it still happens here and there. The biggest difference in its happening is how I deal with it. But you already know that.

It just sucks to deal with it. But, again, you already know that. Of course, one more thing you already know: God is there with you. He's walking this path with you. You are never alone.

Plus, you know, the rest of us are always with you, too.