Tuesday, January 1, 2008


I have spent the greater part of the past 10 years dealing with guilt. The whole grace thing eluded me for a long time, and while I feel like I am forgiven, the concept of being wiped clean in God's eyes will always be something that I have a hard time grasping. It doesn't matter how severe the guilt is, I have a tendency to let it swallow me whole. It eats at me and I end up blaming myself for things that I know on a rational level are not my fault.

Today that vicious cycle that dominated my high school life slapped me in the face again. It hurts just as much now as it did when I was 16, and the source is pretty much the same. I don't know what it is about certain people in your life, but I know that I'm not the only one who has someone like this... that person that just gets under your skin and knows what hurts you most. The person that knows exactly which buttons to push to destroy the hard-won confidence and self-esteem that seems harder and harder to come by, and not only that, but can make you believe that it's your fault.

It never stops hurting. And I'm still waiting for the day when it hurts less.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I concur.

However, if God thought you were guilty, your life would be quite different now.

I hope you can eventually let go.