Lots of stuff is going through my head lately. Maybe because I just have a lot more time to think than I usually do, maybe because I am slowly changing. Maybe because there is legitimately an exceptional number of things to think about.
I have always heard the old saying that children spell love t-i-m-e. I think that's true of everyone. No one likes to be neglected or made to feel that they're taking a back seat to anything in the life of someone they love. Life happens, and difficult times are inevitable. The past year has taught me a lot about how seemingly small decisions have large consequences, and that how I spend my time tells the people in my life what is most important to me. Forgetting a phone call or lunch date happens. Things come up. But when they do, it tells the other person that they were not what was important to you at that moment, and that can hurt. At least acknowledge that, and don't pretend that forgetting things and not making time is completely innocent, because it isn't.
I have a serious love/hate relationship with change. A big part of me thrives on the excitement of new people, new things, and new opportunities. But as I get older, I find myself craving stability in relationships, work, my family, etc. I am confident in the knowledge that the only constant I will ever truly have in life is the fact that God loves me. The tricky thing about that is that I don't always choose to let Him love me.
I'm not really good at letting go of things. And by things, I mean people. Relationships change, families change, people change, our circumstances change, and sometimes people are in our lives only for a season. And when the season changes, a hole is left in your heart where that person used to be. Sometimes those holes are hard to fill. If it is a parent (father), it is impossible.
I'm terrified and excited about what the next year holds. There are new people in my life that I hope to develop stronger relationships with. I am going to graduate this year, come hell or high water, and I cannot wait to see what God's got in store for me on the other side of my Belmont years, but I've also realized that my life is not on hold until I get that piece of paper. I'm living my life right now, and one year spent "waiting" is one year I will be missing later on.
I am finally happy with myself and my life. It is far from perfect, but I love people and have people that love me. Thank you for being one of them.